Of all the things in Self-Improvement, 2018

April was a challenging month, but I made it through unscathed. I had my monthly therapy appointment last night. I had to tell her about having to see James for the first time since I left because I needed him to sign the final divorce papers. I had to tell her about how I basically quit the football team and how there was a mutiny between the players/coaching staff. (I did attend the last game though as sideline support. I was there to be with my teammates, but I didn’t suit up or play). I told her how that decision really affected me, how I took a day off work, and how for the first week after that decision, a few teammates contacted me and begged me to come back. Of all the things I had to tell her about that happened during the month of April, guess what was the only event that made me cry?

Seeing Thor, the cat, while at the house. And I wasn’t expecting that rush of emotions at all. One second I was talking about my anxieties of having to go to the house and the next thing I knew I was sobbing over Thor. Sobbing because when I went to the room that Thor now resides in and never leaves (but could, if he wanted to), he hissed at me when I bent down to look at him. He wouldn’t let me touch him. Didn’t want anything to do with me. I told her he used to be my buddy and would sleep on my chest every night, sit on the couch behind me, suck on my ear as a kitten. Now he hides under a chair in the computer room and never leaves that room (husband told me that, that is not an assumption). She told me that animals are a lot like humans where if something happens to them that is perceived as life-threatening, they can go into survival mode. She also asked me if it would be possible to get him from the soon-to-be-ex since I’m allowed two pets at the apartment. I told her I didn’t know how to approach that battle with him since I never know where his head is at.

I also did some Facebook snooping a few days ago. I hadn’t checked out my therapist’s FB page in a few months and figured I’d go looking to see what I could see. I think I last looked in October, the month after she left the clinic. In October, she had a new relationship status as “married to ___”. Since she took three months off work (October, November, December) I assumed part of that was a wedding & honeymoon. I ghosted the husband’s LinkedIn back then too. I made sure my profile viewing was set to private AND that I was logged out (so really it shouldn’t have mattered what my profile viewing was set to anyway). His job looked/looks like it brings in a decent amount of money, so I could see how the 3 months off was feasible. Anywho, she now has a HOT new profile pic and no relationship status. I clicked on her friends list and the husband wasn’t there. I snooped him separately and his FB says he’s living in Idaho. At my appointment yesterday she wasn’t wearing a ring.

I don’t like to think of myself as a “stalker” but when you tell a human being everything that’s going on in your soul/life and you know next to nothing about their life (which IS how its supposed to be), I’d like to think its a natural curiosity to go looking. And if its public information…

Anyway, I made my next appointment for 3 weeks from now, instead of 4. The last big chunk she wants to work with me on is my anxiety. She sent me home with some handouts and wants me to read/review them and go over my thoughts on them at my next appointment. I think she’s heading towards Exposure Therapy, which probably means I’m going to have to start making eye contact with her at some point. Last night I played with a pillow the entire time. Didn’t mean to, but it was there, and I traced the outline of the shapes on the pillow with my finger for the whole 60 minutes. She addressed it and told me it was a form of grounding. This is what 30 yr olds with social anxiety do.

Last updated May 01, 2018