am i sane or am i crazy? am i straight, or am i. girl, int. ambiv. *LGBTQ in 2017. got it.

this is from the 22nd:

‘that’s, a line from the movie ‘girl., interrupted’. when they’re talking about ambivelance.

i. don’t want to be both. i don’t want to be both straight and. and a lesbian or w/e. and yet here i am. there’s nothing wrong w/ that outwardly. but for me.......it doesn’t feel........ok and i’m not entirely sure why.

i don’t. know. maybe i’m still denying that i’m both. i. i wish i was completely straight but i’m not and that’s hard right now. maybe. my sister expects me to get married to a guy i don’t know. but i hate disappointing people.

do i. expect myself to? maybe i do. i’ve never really put much thought into. marrying a woman if i ever get married.

i’ve never. heard talk of my parents pressuring either me or my sister into marriage. but my relatives. i don’t know. if one day the day comes when ‘hey guess what she’s marrying a woman’. or even just. ‘she’s dating, a woman’. and i think they might all be quite surprised.

my mom’s cousin is gay. he’s super nice. but other then that........far as i know we don’t have any other LGBTQ members in our family. great so i’m a rarity again i’m a unicorn. f**k.

i’ve never been someone who fits in. yeah and that’s been hard.

but no. i’m not going to hit on every woman once i if i ever do, come out...........more. publically i don’t do that now so. can’t see that really changing. my being respectful has little to do w/ my sexuality.

like ‘omygod she’s........’ w/e i am ‘and so that makes her a freak’. um. no. that just means i like more then one sex. i’m not a freak don’t lock me up or put me in a cage. and we’re back to old fashioned circuses. circi?

and it’s not anyone’s fault i’m like this. i don’t want them to feel like they’ve somehow failed me just bc i might not want to marry a guy.

or ‘really? cause you act like you’re straight’. um. yes and how, exactly, is someone who’s not supposed to act? of course i act straight! of course i come off that way! it’s safer. no...........really? well wouldn’t you? but ya know thanks for pointing that out.

i’m like cole porter in a way only not really..........not. literally. no but bc he was gay and that was a big thing during that time the 1920’s. and he was out too. like no gay person was out during that time. and he was married to a lady so. there’s that.

i haven’t accepted my orientation.

yeah life would be easier if i wasn’t..........this..........way. but i’m. i’m just not. and there’s actually nothing wrong w/ me but i feel like i should be fixed. which. yes sounds horrible. like i’m somehow commiting some heinous act just by being this way. yes bc being straight is a lot more acceptable to a lot of people.

and the other thing of it is. the woman i live w/ is religious. and i know she goes to church and that’s all good nothing wrong w/ that. and while it has never. been talked about........i’m not sure how she feels about people of the LGBTQ community. and a part of me doesn’t think i should ask.

so yeah. i’m actually making an effort to be something i’m not not completely.

i’m not the one w/ the problem though. [obviously. not. not in this regard.]. people who have a problem w/ people who are. um LGBTQ. are the problem. like not everyone’s that accepting. yeah. i wish they would be but the reality is some won’t. so really best we can hope for is they’re not jerks about it.

if i were a lesbian. yeah sure then i might not be afraid of being raped. sorry but guys are jerks and i’m. sexist and a feminist so. but i don’t really have a guy problem per se.......i just have a problem w/ anyone like that. it’s just. well my last relationship was w/ a guy and it was. an abusive one. and all my rapists again have been guys so. and i know not all guys are like this.’