My thoughts are stars I cannot fathom into constellations. in Not All Who Wander Are Lost

Therapy can only do so much. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I am a much better person medicated and in therapy than I ever was struggling on my own. However.

However.

I still struggle with my mental health, with my anxiety, with those inner voices that convince me that I’m not good enough and that every one hates me and talks with other people about how much they hate me and I don’t deserve any nice things or nice people or niceness ever. I struggle with trying so very hard not to be needy and literally wanting to ask everyone if they love me every goddamn day. And it’s this thing where I never know which of my feelings are valid and which aren’t. I was told from a very early age that my feelings weren’t valid, that I was overdramatic or making too much out of something, so now I just don’t trust what I feel, ever, and I constantly put others before me because if I hurt them because of my misplaced hurt feelings then I would feel even more hurt and it’s quite better to just skip the middle step and feel miserable all on my own.

I was visiting a friend recently. I had gotten her birthday and Christmas presents but she said she hadn’t been able to get me anything for Christmas or my birthday because she was really busy and didn’t have a job at the time so was strapped for cash and probably she’d make me something. I totally understood. I don’t give presents in order to get them in return, I truly enjoy giving for the sake of giving, finding something that I know someone will love and I love watching people open my presents. So that was fine. Plus I love homemade gifts! She’s a really talented artist and I was super excited at the prospect of getting something from her heart. However.

However.

I was visiting recently and she kept buying things for another, newer, friend of hers. Like four separate occasions where she was like, “My friend loves these so I’m going to get them for her. She likes to this tea so I’ll send it to her. I need stationery so I can get to work on her birthday present even though it’s months away. She likes this chocolate so I will get it for her.” And I’m like . . . Okay? I mean. Okay? And I know I just said that I don’t care about getting presents but when someone can’t bother to take the time/effort to give me a gift but then goes on and on about the gifts she’s getting for someone else . . . Like, how am I supposed to take that? I honestly don’t know. I realize that love and friendship aren’t some finite thing, that you don’t have to take love from one person in order to give more to someone else. But it honestly just made me feel super shitty. And then I felt shitty for feeling shitty. And I don’t want to bring it up because then it would make her feel shitty and I’d feel shittier.

So there’s that. And other things. I don’t know. Just ways and thing in which I feel less than and further away from people I used to feel close to. And I don’t know how to fix it, or if it’s just a phase, or if things will just right themselves in time. They usually do. I’ll get over it. Am I crazy? Just tell me I’m crazy. I want to be that carefree girl who gives no fucks and everything is fine but my brain won’t let me. It grabs hold of a thought and won’t let go until I’m exhausted. And I am so, so exhausted.

“I’m not saying that everything is survivable. Just that everything except the last thing is.” - John Green

Last updated April 25, 2018