9/19/05 - 9/19/2005 in The "C" Word

I know its probably standard proceedure but I was told that all I had to do was a chest CT scan and now, today I get a call telling me I have to do a stomach & pelvic CT scan and and two other tests now. One is in nuculer medicine, i think has to do with my heart or maybe my brain. They say they have to test both. I don't know. All I know is the more tests they do the more scared I get. I know or at least think that its just precautions but its still making it more and more real.

Im scared. What if I didnt catch it in time? What if it DOES spread? What then????? I try so hard not to think about it but sometimes it just takes over my mind and I cant make it go away. Especially when my chest still hurts from the surgery. Mike is trying to be very positive and trying to be strong for me as well but I can hear it in his vioce and see it on his face that he is scared too.

I am trying so hard to stay smiling. Thats one of the reasons I have not been here that much, cause it is hard for me to stay smiling and there are just way too many pity diaries out there already I just didnt want to become one of them. Im not like that.

In general, I am happy. Mike is wonderful. He makes me feel loved every minute of every day. I hope that never stops. We are getting the bedroom set up for Kayce to make her move a little easier. I have found a storage space for the rest of my stuff until we build a shed. Hes gonna till me some land so I can grow a veggi garden next year. We are going to fix up the yard with pretty flowers. And he smiles everytime I talk about the things I want to do to his home.

I have to go cook Kayce dinner and clean my own apt.