Im trying - 9/15/2005 in The "C" Word

I am trying so hard to think positive. I know that whatever I have it can be delt with. scratches I know that I am going to be ok. But then I sit here and think about ....

What if they're wrong? I know I shouldnt think like that. BUt I have always been scared of being taken away from my family. My Kayce who needs me so much.

I told her what was going on. I told her everything the Doc told me. I'm not one to hold back the truth from my kids. They deserve to know the truth no matter how bad or good it is. I told her I was scared. scratches She asked if I was going to be OK. She asked if I was going to die. I told her I was not.

I have to remain strong in front of her cause I do know I am going to be ok. So when I have these little scaredshitlessouttamymind sessions, sweet Kayce has to be either asleep or not here. I dont ever want to scare her.

Brandy said she wont be scared until I tell her to. scratches Alline broke down and cried. My brother, Cliff, got quiet and thought about mom and my sister, Jodi, tries to pretend she was ok. BUt I knew different. When she is bothered by something, she has a tendancy to laugh a little. My step dad is scared. Hell, he lost my mom to cancer a year ago.

Yeah, it has been a year almost since my mom passed. Sept, 27th. Six days after my birthday.

I am babbliing. I need coffee. The pain meds make me itch and Im tired of scratching. scratches

Ill be at Mikes all day doing laundry. The dogs will keep me company and he'll be home for lunch. I can read OD for a bit (if I can concentrate). I should know more about my appt. sometime today. scratches

The good news is... I got to take a shower! I no longer smell dead! I guess I'll have to explain that one.

BRB though, I need to make coffee first....

PK coffee is brewing, and the teeth are brushed scratches

When I went into the Docs yesterday, he had to remove the drain tube. After he took the bandage and before he took the tube out, I started leaking down my side to my back. I managed to get it on my shorts. Well after he got the tube out and cleaned me up, scratches (let me tell you.. it was messy!) He took some peroxide (or something) and cleaned up my shorts for me. Well Mike and I left and went to his house. Buffy was doing her best to jump on me. (she misses me when Im not there).

OHHH ... I thnk my coffee is done! BRB!

scratches MMMM... just what the Doctor ordered!

Anywhooo... Buffy looked as if she rolled in something gross outside so I kept her off of me. Mike gave me a hug and then proceeded with what he was doing. He noticed a gross smell on his hands and picked up Buffy to see if it was the crap she rolled in. It was not. scratches So I was trying to figure out when he had on him and I thought... hmmm... Hey Mike smell my shorts (Ok I know that sound silly. LOL!) He did and YUP! It was me who smelled dead. The blood and ick that had dripped from my boob was not completely cleaned and smelled ummm... DEAD. Pretty nasty huh??? LOL!

So thats my gross story for the day. If I could get a pic of the grossness onder my left boob to show you guys (afterall I like to share everything with all of you. LOL!) I would but I somehow think Mike would frown on it. He doesnt seem to like anyone else looking at my boobs. Go figure. LOL! Gotta love him!

Thank you to all my dear friends here for being so supportive. You know how the theme of the week is how OD has changed your life (or something like that)? Well without this place I would not have found any of you. With you guys, my life is so much more fuller. Thank you!