Nothing in Self-Improvement, 2018

I think taking Tuesday off as a Mental Health Day was a superb use of 8 PTO hours. However, I’m starting to think those 8 hours weren’t enough. I’m just so devoid of any energy. Work has been less stressful this week than the past two weeks, but I also think all the stress from the past two weeks finally had a chance to catch up to me this week, and now all of the littlest tasks seem like such monumental tasks.

I literally jump every time my work phone rings.

So since quitting the football team on Tuesday, I’ve had 3 former teammates approach me, begging me to come back. Such an eerily familiar feeling. The people-pleaser in me says “Yes! Go back!” But then I’m sitting here thinking “I have zero fight in me. They need fighters on that field.” They don’t know just how much #currentlifestress is affecting my ability to think, concentrate, and act.

I was doing kickboxing the other day. We were doing a sequence of like 5 punches and after the second one, my brain froze, I completely forgot what I was doing, and I just stood there staring at the bag for a few moments before remembering that I had 3 punches left. That sort of brain freeze isn’t acceptable on football field. It isn’t safe for anyone.

So I’m dealing with that. the stress, the feeling of letting others down, the loneliness.

I haven’t heard anything back for the two jobs I applied for. I discontinued my goal of 1 application per week once I realized that the possibility of getting a call back was real and then I’d have the added stress of a job interview on my plate. I know that sounds backwards. Not quite sure my frame of mind is ready for the job interviewing process. And that probably sounds like quite the excuse for someone who is currently over-stressed with her current job.

I just.......sigh.