Mental Health Day in Self-Improvement, 2018

Yesterday was a day. I had plans in the early morning to let the owners/my fellow teammates know I was leaving the team. I was having the same digestive ish over this that I was having before/after meeting up with the hubby to sign the final divorce papers. I had tears that wouldn’t stop flowing. There was no way I was going to be able to go to work yesterday knowing the task that was at hand and the fact that I was a literal mess.

They all took it pretty well. The other thing that I found out shortly after writing my last entry (and before they knew my plans on leaving) was that the team was forming a mutiny against the coaching staff. Its safe to say I was not the only one feeling completely demoralized by their behaviors, lack of actual coaching. The team had 5.5 pages of concerns (and solutions for each concern!) that they wanted to address in a mature/calm fashion with the coaches during last night’s would-be practice.

What actually happened during last night’s practice (I had already turned in my resignation by then, but they haven’t removed me from the two team FB groups yet, so I’m still seeing it all even when I’m not there) is that the Head Coach, Offensive Coordinator, and Line Coach were unwilling to listen to the concerns and solutions presented from the team and walked out for the rest of the season. They still have our Defensive Coordinator, Assistant Line Coach, and Assistant Offensive Coordinator. Does the loss of three toxic coaches make me want to change my mind and go back to the team? Short answer: No, the desire is still not there. And I’m still not a huge fan of the Defensive Coordinator.

SO anyway, drama! I took the day off work and decided to attack one of the hikes on my ever-growing hiking list. I picked Jefferson Ridge Trail, grabbed the dog, and we left. That was as much planning as I put into that decision. Getting there was an adventure in itself. All of the hikes I’ve done thus far have started at relatively low elevations. This thing did not. I had to drive up a solid bit before getting to the trailhead, which was a small sign stating the name of the trail. The forest service road to get to the trailhead was gravel and steep. It was actually like driving in snow. At one point I slowed down and was looking around for the trailhead and realized if I slowed down too much, I might not be able to get going again. Have you ever got stuck in the snow before? I would have been stuck in the gravel.

During this drive up, I could just hear the negative voices of my ex berating my lack-of-planning skills in the back of my mind. He’s not good under stress, and this drive was starting to get stressful. The road was extremely narrow and on the side of a mountain. No guard rails. The negative voices grew stronger when I got to the trailhead, didn’t realize it was the actual trailhead, and kept going. It got REALLY steep and really gravely after that point and I only went 0.1 mi beyond the trailhead before I realized that sign in the ground was the trailhead.

Thought process as it happened:

Slows vehicle down “Okay, I’ll just turn around” “Shit. no way to turn around right here, too narrow.” “Shit. I’ve completely braked the car”
Tries to get the car moving again. Wheels spin in place “SHIT. SHIT. SHIT.”
Calms down, assesses situation This is the step that my husband was never able to do and would have used this step to verbally berate my lack of “anticipating horrible road conditions”. It would have been my fault, never mind the fact that he also was capable of researching forest service road conditions so technically it would have been both our faults, but I would have took the beating.
Decides the best and only way to get back down to the trailhead, which was the only spot wide and flat enough to actually turn around and park, was to put the car in reverse and SLOWLY backup down the road. And pray to Whomever that the gravel didn’t give out and toss us (me and the dog) off the mountain

It worked. The dog was pretty stressed at that point, but I’m confident he had full faith in his mother. lol. If we had got tossed off the mountain, it would have definitely looked like a suicide. A) Girl quits football team shes been a part of for the last 3 years in early morning B) girl takes day off work claiming to be sick C) girl grabs herself and dog and heads to the mountains.

And now for some pics because I didn’t go through all that for nothing.

The trailhead:

The trail registration. No paper or pens/pencils

At the top of the trail, looking at Mt Ellinor:

We ran into snow, which I was also unprepared for: