I am done. in Self-Improvement, 2018

I am done with the football team this season. Its the next piece of negativity in my life that needs to go. I just can’t stay on after what happened Saturday.

So we lost our game. No big deal. BUT THESE COACHES. My God. I got in for one play during the entire game, which is probably a very good thing because I would have been a whole lot more offended by their post-game “shame on you” 30 minute speech if I was one of the players who played hard for all four quarters.

They yelled/cussed/threw clipboards on the sidelines during the entire game. As a player, its embarrassing to witness your “leaders” unable to control themselves emotionally after the smallest mistakes have been made. I think this is part of my anxiety problem this season. All I could think about during that game, while we were still out of the field, was that I wouldn’t have wanted to have my super happy 5 year old nephew watching that display of uncontrolled emotions.

And then there was the post-game shame speech. They accused all the players of not playing their hearts out. Accused us of not going to war for each other. Accused us of letting down our fans because we didn’t bring home a win on home turf. At one point (this was sort of the finishing touch/broke the camel’s back point for me) one of the coaches broke down, started crying and LITERALLY compared out team’s loss to his recently failed relationship.

None of the players left that locker room Saturday night in good spirits, but we should have. We’ve made major improvement, but no matter what, these coaches cannot find themselves to happy about anything we accomplish out on that field, if it doesn’t result in a win.

So I am done. I have refunded those who purchased season tickets from me. They didn’t ask to be refunded, but I would have felt bad otherwise. I also told my sister since her family was supposed to watch our last home game of the season in June, and they were looking forward to introducing my nephew to women’s tackle football. Like I said, there is no way I would have wanted him in the stands Saturday night.

I felt so defeated after Saturday’s game (not the game itself, the toxic post-game atmosphere) that I went home and took a hot bath and drank a lot of vodka. My coping skills still aren’t the most polished but A) I had been standing in the freezing rain for the last 3+ hours and B) I needed something to slow down my thought process, while also preferably warming my body up. If I had played all four quarters and knew the “lack of heart” comments were directed towards me, the coping skills would have fared even worse.

Which is why I need to make this decision now. This team is no longer a positive environment. This upcoming Saturday, we have another away game in Portland. We have a roster of 22 players. About 5 players have already notified the coaches they will be unable to make the trip for various personal reason. There is a good chance I will get a decent amount of playing time during this game, but after Saturday’s display, I don’t exactly find myself wanting it. If they were to challenge my “level of heart” even once, it would be very destructive to the progress I’ve made. I am not far enough along on my “rebuild” stage to handle that kind of false, emotionally-fueled negativity from others. Give me a few more months and a few more sessions with my therapist and I will probably be there.

But not today. Not today.

I am going to let the owners know tomorrow that I am unable to complete the season with the team due to personal reasons and that I wish nothing but the best for my teammates. I have to let this go.