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Overheard at office: “I prefer warm weather over cold, because I can always take off enough to cool down, but I can only put on so much to keep warm.”

I’m… pretty sure this is the opposite of reality. Especially in an office setting.

The Top Reasons Not To Sneak Up On Sentient Robots.
Number Five Will Shock You!

[hashtag-game]IfIWereTheLastPersonOnEarth I would probably die while trying to feed all the abandoned pets in the vicinity, after someone’s guard dog mistook me for an intruder. They’d be right, of course, but my motives would be pure.

Overheard: “You have to watch out for him; he could sell a parka to an Eskimo.”

That… doesn’t sound very hard to me.

Person A: “For people interested in this thing, check out this link.”
Person B: “I’m not interested in this thing.”
Person C: “Yeah, I don’t care about this thing either.”
Person A: “So glad I specified.”

I’m disappointed that you can’t download a Gilbert Gottfried GPS voice. “O-kay… In FIF-TY yards, turn left… No, LEFT. WRONG! You DUMB sh*t, you MISSED your turn! NOW you have to TURN around! MOR-ON!”

[hashtag-game]ILikeMeBecause I like a lot of the same things I do.

I think the reason no time-travellers showed up to Hawking’s time travel party is because that would set a bad precedent. Next thing you know it’s “Oh, so you can show up for a party, but you can’t be bothered to stop Hitler? I see how it is.”

Looking for suggestions for a daily exercise regimen that’s effective, fun, affordable, easy, habit-forming, safe, quick, can be done anywhere, looks cool, and will improve my credit score.

Reality is an unreliable narrator.

Drug dealer tech support: “Your skin’s not crawling with bugs, it’s crawling with features.”

Overheard on radio: “Our sale prices are staggeringly low.”

I want them to run with that theme: “We don’t understand what went wrong. We’ve even double-checked the numbers, because surely this can’t be right. Anyway, you might as well take advantage of this devastating anomaly.”

–

I really enjoyed the new Steven Spielberg movie, and I also caught the many “Ready Player One” references peppered throughout it.

Thank you, King Size Hershey bars, for being honest about how many Serving Sizes you contain. #ThereCanBeOnlyOne

There was a man named Jeraboam
Who never could finish a poem
He’d start out okay
But somewhere partway

Nutrition website: “eating two ounces of processed meats like bacon per day may raise your colon cancer risk by up to 17%.”

What I hear: “For a mere 17% increase in risk for one specific possible form of death (of which there are thousands), you can eat bacon EVERY SINGLE DAY.”

Body: “Happy birthday, you can’t eat cheesecake any more!” =/

Pinterest is one of those sites where you can see a picture of tomatoes, click on it, and it takes you to pole dancers without warning. =T

[Sidenote: What made this all the more jarring was that it was from the cartoon VeggieTales. The tomato, I mean.]

Photographic Enmity: The phenomenon where someone who hates a movie, book, game, or show remembers far more details than someone who merely enjoyed said item.

Happy [hashtag]NationalGrilledCheeseDay
shining a bright light on cheese “WHO DO YOU WORK FOR?!”
- “Ease off, man. The cheese stands alone.”

I don’t believe in Corporal Punishment.

I think it’s just a character my parents made up to get me to do my chores.

Okay, that’s all for now.