Anani bamerchav Yah in through the looking glass.

When David asked me to marry him, my first reaction was, well, confusion. “What?” was my initial response to “Will you marry me?” This, despite the fact that we had been talking about it for months, that we had looked at rings together, that it was our 10th anniversary that very day.

And on the day of our wedding, as I turned the corner to walk down the aisle with both of my parents in tow, I exclaimed, audibly, “Oh my God.” Not, as our friends thought, because I was nervous or afraid, but because it wasn’t until that very moment that I realized this wedding we had been planning for months was for us.

This is all to say that while I am usually quick to understand what’s going on around me, it often takes some time for me to emotionally process what’s happening.

And so it was yesterday morning as I nervously fumbled with the pregnancy test, having forgotten to put on my much-needed glasses and unable to see the line (lines?). David woke and came over to see what was going on (“Did it start?” he says, because we’re at the point in this process now where David assumes any prolonged bathroom visit means my period has arrived) but I locked him out and quickly walked through the closet to retrieve my glasses. Two lines.

“Wow,” he says as I show him. He starts to ruminate on his feelings, his fears, plans. I give practical responses. We don’t need to think more than a few days ahead. It’s okay not to feel as excited as you think you should - we know too much now. “You’re so level-headed sometimes,” he says, but I tell him that in reality I just haven’t processed it yet.

At work I sing the words of Hallel in my head, over and over. I am so grateful.

But the evening gives way to fear, and eventually the return of insomnia. The second line doesn’t seem as dark as it did that morning. I am acutely aware of every ache, every bit of pressure in my lower abdomen. I so badly hope it works this time.

But I’m trying not to think too hard about the future.

Last updated April 10, 2019