Locate the sunshine, go to the sunshine in Self-Improvement, 2018

So the first football game of the season is done. You know how I’ve been fighting with the motivation to attend practices this season? I’m finding its not any easier with the games. Like I literally have zero desire to play this season. Its not a phase. When I looked at the depth charts (first string, second string, third string) for our offense before the game on Saturday and didn’t see my name anywhere at all, you know what I felt? Relief

It downpoured the whole time. So much rain. So much wind. Temp never got out of the mid 40s. I froze. But I didn’t even feel like playing. That’s the thing. Then with 5 minutes left in the 4th quarter when I couldn’t feel various parts of my body at all, they put me in on defense. In my head, I was like “I can’t barely move, I’ve had my hands in my pants for the past 2.5 hours, trying to keep some sort of circulation in them, and now you want me to go try to run and tackle someone?” Twas not my best performance. I never play on defense. Offense is where I play.

I was sooo cold.

I would quit if it wasn’t for two things: 1) I sold season passes to people. People are expecting me to play. My sister tailored her family’s vacation so they could fit in a home game in June. I think it’s literally our last game. 2) We have such a short roster. I’d feel bad for the teammates who I do like if they got hurt/needed to be out for the rest of the game and didn’t have a backup ready to go.

But my competitive spirit is so not there.

Yesterday was my 30th birthday. I woke up to more rain and wind, but instead of dwelling on it, I looked at the radar maps online to see where the closest spot was that didn’t have rain (and wouldn’t for at least a few hours) and then found a state park in that area that had trails. Once I found a destination, I grabbed the dog and we spent the day hiking those trails and enjoyed the dry weather. I was proud of myself for turning a gloom & doom day around. It was sooo hard to wake up that morning after having driven back from the game (like a 3 hour drive each way). After spending the previous evening in the cold & the wet, spending the day in the dry warm sheets of my bed sounded amazing. But it was my birthday and wallowing is no longer allowed. Locate the sunshine, go to the sunshine. That shall be my motto for my 30s.