10mg Lexapro Day 3, Smoked Most of the Pipe Resin in Struggles with Addiction & Depression

Again I woke up today ready to face the world and had to will my body to stay in bed with my cats beside me. I know that my long mornings in bed will be a thing of the past very soon; I feel a drive to work and create that I forgot I used to know.

Ordinarily when the sack of grass starts to run low my anxieties begin their ceaseless spiraling in my mind and the black dog depression starts to cast its long shadow over everything I see, do and experience. I know it’s too early to say that will not happen to me this time but the feeling I have is certainly unusual to me. Is this optimism? Hope?

For most of my life bitterness & cynicism have been - I thought - my stalwart friends. I was always afraid to lose the dark I’ve wrapped myself in since my teen years like a warming and defensive cocoon. I thought the people around me happily working, creating and going about their lives had to be sicker inside than I was because they simply couldn’t see the way things really were.

But I was the one with the dark glasses on, hiding in the back of the room, making the people around me uncomfortable with my awkward pose of elite, pseudo-goth hipster bullshit. And then I hid myself away so that no one would have to remark on how sad it made them to have to be around me. The few people I ever let in could never bear the bleak and somber way I carried myself despite their best efforts to brighten my world, crack through the shell and remind me to smile now and then.

To everyone I’ve hurt with my self centered behavior I am sincerely sorry. You will never read this but one day I might grow, heal and find the courage to tell you to your face how much I appreciated your presence and how sorry I am for not reciprocating in kind.