Day 2 of 10mg Lexapro, Down to my Last Crumb of Weed in Struggles with Addiction & Depression

Today is the second day of this new adventure I’ve finally pushed myself into with the goal of becoming a better, well rounded and happier person. It’s also my Mother’s 63rd birthday.

Last night we had another pointless and endlessly circling screaming match - the type our relationship has been plagued with since my teenage years (now more than twenty years behind me) - in which I begged her to please, please just accept that our relationship is broken and unhealthy and we need to both make some effort to repair it.

My little brother has a baby on the way with his beautiful young wife and I couldn’t be more proud of him. But I can’t let another child grow up in a house full of anger, resentment and pain. I know they will make great, loving parents but I am afraid of the way my mother might behave as a grandma and I’m terrified of our inability to get along exploding out into this new life which deserves all the love, attention and care I never got from her.

That will be hard too; if she does turn herself around, realize she hurt me and my brothers irreparably and strive not to make the same mistakes with her grandchild. I know it will be hard to see the love I’ve needed all my life heaped on another but I will never, ever spite them for it if they are lucky enough to melt her cold and distant heart.

I have noticed an overall change in mood and positive thinking since I started taking Lexapro yesterday; even my frequently dark thoughts of self loathing and self harm have started to diminish and maybe even fade out a little bit, although I can feel the anger and sadness underneath it all if I scratch around the surface of my mind too much.

My drive to learn, write, work and even be creative seems to be returning.

I’m not sure if these are placebo effects as a result of a decision to finally do something about my fucked up life and mental state but as it stands I’ll take it. I’ve wanted to feel better for so long even this slight improvement has me feeling I am headed in the right direction.