Progress for days. in The grotesque metamorphosis of a Bi-Polar human into a Tri-polar monster.

  • March 22, 2018, 3:33 p.m.
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Let’s see…it’s been a long time since I’ve written anything here.
I don’t know why I’ve been gone for so long, I guess I’ve just been putting the work in like a mad-man.

I had my last appointment with my therapist a few weeks ago and for some reason it really lit a fire under my ass to start doing some of the things that she’d been telling me to do for the last year.

(Oh, and I also got a huge bill from my therapist office because I was under the impression I had to keep coming to that office for a year, and I got kicked off of Medi-Cal for making too much money, so when my insurance switched over and they just let me keep coming without saying anything, I started racking up these crazy expensive visits and now I owe them roughly $800…that’s a huge stress in my life right now, but I’ve been meditating so I’m just trying to take it calmly and cooly and deal with it as it comes.)

So I’ve been riding my bike almost daily, at least four to five miles a day…and I’ve been doing pushups and situps and lifting my little weights.
I also want to start doing yoga again, but I haven’t gotten to that point yet.

A few weeks ago, my grandpa died…he was one of the most meaningful people to me in my life, he had a huge role in raising me and my little sister and brother…I could write an entire entry on how much I love that man and how great he is, but I’ll save that for a later time…the main point is that I had to drop everything and fly to SLC to go to his funeral.

Luckily, I managed to get almost an entire week off, and spent six days in Utah, hanging out with my grandma and making sure she was okay…I got to see some friends I have out there, and my mom and sister are out there, it was nice…I have a lot of family in Utah and I realized on that trip how much I actually missed them all.

I brought this book with me on the trip, it’s called “10% happier” and I blew through 50 pages on the plane ride there, kept reading a chapter or two every night I was there, and finally finished it on the plane ride back to California.

It really inspired me to start meditating…I’ve been meditating at least ten minutes a day almost every day since I finished it.

So far I don’t feel like I’m doing a really great job…my mind will wander and go in a completely crazy direction sometimes, and sometimes I get this extreme anxiety like…I am hearing my voice trapped inside of my head and then I start wondering where exactly that voice is coming from, and then I realize that that voice is ME…like, the intangible me that exists in an unspecified location…the essence of who I am…the same me that still existed when I blasted out of my body and into the fabric of the universe on DMT…it’s definitely helped solidify my belief that I am not this body.

It’s been helping me deal with my fear of death.

I’ve also decided to step out of my comfort zone and start dating again, I signed up for this dating website that is…slightly niche, to put it lightly.

So far I’ve gone on two dates…we’ll see how it goes.

I don’t expect much to come from it…being a 32 year old man who currently lives with his parents and is Bi-polar1…and who works as a server in a restaurant making like $25000 a year…yeah, I’m not the worlds biggest catch right now…

…but I feel like it’s important for me to at least get back out there and meet some new people and work on getting some of my confidence back, because ever since my last breakup and then that whole getting 51-50’d and having the doctors tell me I need to be on disability, I’ve lost a lot of confidence.

Okay, last bullet point.

I’ve been learning coding…like, computer coding…you know, web development kind of stuff…I’ve been learning it online from a couple of different websites, just kind of getting the fundamentals down, you know?

Well, a few days ago I applied for this intensive full stack development course at the extremely prestigious; University Of California Irvine, and I was informed I needed to take an entrance exam and also go through a series of interviews to be admitted.

Well…

…I totally aced the entrance exam and I guess I got an 8 on my interviews…I’m assuming that’s an 8 out of 10, and I’m also assuming no one actually gets a 10.

Anyway, I start April 10th…it’s going to be an extremely intensive program that goes until November. I’m simultaneously excited out of my mind and kind of freaking out of my mind.

It’s not cheap…I had to take out more school loans, but the plan is that by the end of this program I’ll be able to get the best job I’ve ever had in my life and paying back things like loans won’t be impossible for me like it currently has been.

By the time I’m 40 I plan on making that six figure income baby.

Oh, and last thing…I’m 35 days without a drink of alcohol.
It’s pretty cool.
I have been going to AA a little bit, but not even close to every day…actually, not even close to once a week…I’ve just been way too busy.

I’ve literally been working, and then I get home from work and I start grinding on homework from my online classes, and then maybe maybe MAYBE I have a little bit of time to hang out with a friend or something, and then my workouts, and then maybe I’ll read or watch an episode of something on Netflix and then I’m pretty much done with the day…my days have been so full lately it’s kind of blowing my mind.

It’s weird how when I was drinking I didn’t do anything and I felt so miserable all the time…but drinking was making me complacent.

Now I’m not drinking and I’m doing all of these things to fill my time, and I’m starting to feel fulfilled…I guess it’s not that weird.

I guess it makes sense.

I wonder why doing things in life makes you feel so good?
It doesn’t really make sense…you’d think that just laying around all day would make you feel good…I mean, look at cats, they always look…

…wait, actually cats look pretty pissed off a lot of the time, nevermind, that was a bad analogy.

Anyway, thanks for reading if you’re still around.
I still love you.
I miss these talks.
Let’s do it again soon.

-Dane


Phade March 22, 2018

Good job dude! Keep on keeping on.

Superposition Phade ⋅ March 22, 2018

: )

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