push you out in 2018

2:35pm

I am finally starting to understand why people dislike Mondays. Especially when you only have one day off a week. It’s like I get home Saturday night and I’m so relaxed. I don’t have to pick out my clothes, or set out every thing I need for the next day, or check my alarm. Then Sunday passes me in the blink of an eye and I’m getting ready again and my brain’s thinking, “wait a second…I thought I had time off?”

Here I am again. Back at work! I really don’t have that many days left so it’s not bad at all. I can’t believe that in a few weeks I’ll be totally done with the season and I won’t have to worry about any thing any more. At least not any thing work wise. It’s an exciting prospect but I’m trying not to even consider it because there is actually a lot left to do. I need to remember to take it one day at a time. Let go of yesterday and start fresh each new morning. I have no control and that’s not the easiest thing for a control freak to accept. hah.

It’s alright though. Things are going well. I did get yelled at over the phone on Friday. Did I mention that? Some lady came in Thursday night to finish and basically needed someone to listen to her rant and rave. Honestly I wasn’t that affected by it. My heart rate was definitely beating quickly while she was on the phone but that’s just adrenaline. I hate confrontation. It wasn’t that bad though. It wasn’t my fault. I actually feel bad for the lady. It sucks she made mistakes and has to pay for them but there’s nothing I can do. We’re the middleman and I don’t think she knew who else to take it out on. She can’t very well take it out on herself can she? =P

After I hung up I felt fine though. Normally a call like that would set me on edge and stress me out for the rest of the day. But not this time. I talked about it a little with mom who’d also had to deal with her but didn’t get the brunt of the ranting. Then I sent a picture to JR that night thanking him for the whiskey and saying I needed it, but don’t think I mentioned why. I did tell the client after he sent me a text saying he ran out of wine and I told him I was having whiskey. He asked how bad the day was and I just told him I got yelled at. Looking for a little sympathy. haha. Oh and my brother did offer to beat her up but I didn’t take him up on it. So yeah, it’s all good. There’s gotta be at least one crazy every couple of years. Although I think that’s two years in a row now?

Anyway, saw the BBQ guy on Saturday. Gave each other a hard time as per usual. At one point he was using my computer up front because he forgot a form and also his log in. They asked him to verify info like ss# and dob. I was standing next to him as per company policy we don’t let anyone use the computer without supervision. I’m pretty respectful though. Not staring at the screen when they’re punching in passwords and what not. So I was mostly looking away as he typed in his ss# and then funny enough he went to put in his date of birth and covered the screen like it was some big secret! haha. We already have all that info here and we always talk about how he’s the same age as my uncle so of course I already know how old he is. I just thought it funny how that was what he decided to cover up. I’ve always thought that if I were a little younger he’d probably ask me out. Just a feeling I get.

Kinda sad the ones I get along with the most are all on my impossibility list.

I’m stupidly still thinking about TF all the time. I can’t help it. ugh. I start to tell myself, “it’s fine, he didn’t want you the same way, you’ll get over it.” Then some crazy part of my brain/heart/torture organ replies, “ha ha! you two will end up together anyway, don’t worry about it.” And I try to tell that little voice to stfu because I don’t want that sick kind of hope. I don’t even know why I have those thoughts.

I keep thinking about how I don’t even really want that right now. I don’t want to give up the life I have. I don’t want to move, or have responsibilities, or be attached to anyone. So it’s stupid to keep contemplating wanting him if I really don’t. I like the theory not the reality!

But I also realize that I’m getting older and at some point my clock is going to start ticking really loudly. And even more than that, I realize that I am going to have to stop fearing the unknown and go for it. Because that’s really what it’s all about. I’m scared of how much of a difference it’ll make to my lifestyle. I’m scared of what it will be like to honestly let myself love someone like that. Not necessarily him, but anyone. To let myself be loved in return. That’s what it all comes down to - my fear of the unknown.

I know I keep talking about all this but I swear that I’m ok on most days. It’s just something that I can’t get rid of. Also, as soon as some new distraction comes along I’ll probably move on and ramble on about whatever or whoever it is. Not that I’ve ever felt this way about any other distraction, but still.

It’s dumb stuff that reminds me of him too. Like I was handed our phone bill this morning and quickly glanced at it. My eyes locked on a phone number and it was a call from TF. -_- [2.14 11:11 ugh] There are like 100 phone calls listed on there and that happens to be the one my eyes are drawn to? Really? That’s stupid. But little things like that happen all the time.

Actually, his brother just called the office. It was the most random thing. I’ve never heard him be so serious in my entire life. Had I not seen the caller ID I’m not sure I would have even known it was him. He just asked me what time we closed. “We usually close at six but we’re still here haha” Ok, thanks. Bye.....uh, ok bye?

He didn’t ask how long we were staying, or mention wanting to come by, or anything. Our last clients were on their way out the door so we started wrapping up for the day but stuck around a little longer because I was so confused as to whether he meant he was coming by or what. By 7 he hadn’t shown up so we left. Still so weird though. See what I mean about little things popping up randomly??

Then I check my fb when I get home because I posted a picture of some amazing steaks I bbq-ed yesterday and am actually receiving notifications. The last person to like my post was AB [the sister] and she’s never liked anything I’ve posted. Also Lucas showed up the other day in the people you may know section. I don’t think I mentioned that. It’s everywhere I tell ya.

I have a bunch of other stuff I want to mention but I ran off on a tangent again so I’ll save the rest for later. I don’t want to make this too long and that way the next entry shouldn’t have mention of tf. haha. At least I can pretend I’m totally sane. ;)

rose.
9:30pm