Tired Again in An outlet from life

Am I really so desperate. Am I different?

What the fuck? He is back from his trip and right now i feel lonelier than when he was gone. Neglected and rejected.

He sleeps early and wakes up early to go to the gym.

And here i am… I cant sleep… I’m pissed …

He is sooooo tired it fucken annoys me. He cant take care of the kids and his wife.

Yesterday I went out. He was “supportive…” Go out he said. I got dressed up. I felt sexy and dolled up. He noticed. My thought was ” yeah I’m getting some tonight” oh how i was mistaken.

The night felt promising until he sends me videos of my baby crying… hmm do you want me back home or just ruin my night?

I come home and quickly undress. I put on my Pj’s, nurse my son and Dad is snoring already....

I feel lonely again. I stay in the living room to work… At least work makes me feel useful and productive.

I try but FUCK I am tired of trying. Sexting, sexy pictures. FUCK HIM more like not fuck him.

He works around sex geeze why doesn’t he want it then. Go fucken Masturbate then

Fuck… the thought is their now.... is he getting it somewhere else.....fuck FUCK FUCK....

I just want to walk out right now. Just sit outside in the cold with out thinking of anything… without overwhelming feeling of rejection and and… feeling of invisibility.

I should probably learn how to meditate.... or maybe masturbate?