I Love You My Mother's Land. in Musings

I’ve been in Puerto Rico for so long and it’s hard to acclimate to the culture here for me.

I’m not Puerto Rican enough to fit in. I mean it’s nothing that I haven’t experienced because I’m too Puerto Rican in New York to be white. It’s a helluva mind fuck that I don’t understand.

Living in between cultures, never being enough for either. It’s just hard here because I’m clearly not from this island, although I have resemblances of the culture.

I’ve been here far too long and I just want to go home, back to NYC where at least people consider me too Puerto Rican, too Latino rather than not Puerto Rican and just very American.

I miss my home… although I don’t have an apartment in NYC anymore. I know it’s fucked up for me to say, I’d rather be homeless in the streets of NYC than have a home in Puerto Rico…

I miss the subway commutes. I miss ordering food from seamless. I miss drunk shopping with my friends for clothing at Times Square (even though, I would return half of the stuff back to the store in a less populated location) I miss the easiness of NYC. Here, I’m just stuck and everything is so far away and inconvenient. If I want Bubble tea I have to take a cab to nowheresville, pay 40$ (come and go) for a 12$ bubble tea that is mediocre… instead of NYC walk 4 mins to the Asian bodega for a 5$ bubble tea that is pretty good and if I really wanted amazing bubble tea, I’d hop on the subway for 2.75 for 30 mins and get to Chinatown for an 8$ amazing bubble tea.

Yanniel grew up here so he doesn’t understand my kind of spoiled, privilege… and although he says he does—I know he doesn’t when he takes me to “the best Japanese” sushi in Puerto Rico and although it’s good…I just think “this is okay, sushi, it should be better for the price—it taste like the sushi from the east village that is a quarter of the price”.

I haven’t really said anything about when we are leaving or when can we leave, mostly because I’m not sure if he wants to leave, but then again I also feel he’s just staying out here with me because he’s not sure I want to leave.

I dunno. I’m tired of it here. I’m tired of his friends always being kind of bitchy to me in a very indiscreet, passive aggressive tone. I’m tired of sleeping in air conditioned rooms because it’s too hot to sleep with an open window and also kind of dangerous because of all the mosquitos and bugs that may come and bite us…

We’ll see. I love my Mother’s land… but I’m not from this island and this isn’t home to me.