20 days sober. in Questions

  • March 7, 2018, 2:04 a.m.
  • |
  • Public

I haven’t been on here writing much, I don’t know why…I guess I got to a point with my own thoughts where enough was enough, I was just sick of hearing myself complaining.

I got sick enough of my life that I decided to do something about it, 20 days ago I decided to pick my ass up and go to AA. I don’t really know how I feel about AA in general, I mean…I’m pretty opposed to it, but I didn’t know where else to go, and I really felt like I needed a sense of community.

I ended up getting that in spades, I had a lot of people who were willing to give me their numbers and reach out to me, check up on me, make sure I’m doing okay…it was really helpful in the beginning, but I haven’t been going to the meetings lately and the support has kind of tapered off.

That’s okay, I’m still not drinking, I’m still doing okay…I’ve still got somewhat of a handle on this shit.

I decided that if I was missing community in my life so much, maybe I should do something about it and start reaching out to the people who are actually in my life.

So far this year, I have gone to Salt Lake City to see a bunch of my friends and my family. I was able to see my grandfather one last time before he passed…he ended up losing lucidity a short time after I left, and then he finally passed yesterday in the afternoon.

My heart has been heavy…but I am heading back to Salt Lake City in a few days to be there for the viewing and the funeral.

I also went to Vegas to go see my other grandparents and my uncle. I was able to spend two days with them, and it was great, much needed.

Shortly after that, I went to Oakland to go see one of my best friends of about 20 years now. It was a great trip, we mostly just hung around the house and played video games and watched movies and went out to eat…we went to San Francisco a couple of times and I had the best fucking pizza I have ever had in my entire life, it was magick.

I have been having a really hard time dealing with my emotions since I stopped drinking…it’s been difficult to face things that I’ve been running from, and for the first ten days I was disassociating a lot, which was terrifying, but I got through it.

I don’t know…I have so much more that I want to talk about, like my fear of death and how the passing of time have been driving me crazy lately…but I don’t know how to collect my thoughts well enough just yet, it seems like they are all going a million miles a second and all I can do is kind of just sit here and try to catch them as they fly by.

Anyway…that’s all I have.
I doubt anyone still reads this, but I still love you anyway and I appreciate you for sticking around.

I hope one day we can find a solution to all of this madness and find a happy way to live life.

I dunno.

I have to have faith because I don’t know what else to do right now.
That’s all.
Thank you.
I love you.


ѽ - Master Revenant - ѽ March 07, 2018

as a retired Alcohol-Drug counselor, i'd say you have taken a few steps in the right direction, just keep the momentum up, learn from others who're in recovery, most of them know the truth about addiction.
As for the AA: as a counselor i should back them up, for what they do. however i have my own personal issues with them and their philosophy. there are some folks out there who go and achieve recovery and continue to maintain that connection with AA and continue to live day-by-day with their addictions.
if you felt comfortable there and liked their message and feel you could learn how to live a life in recovery: by all means, continue with AA. if at some time you need some advice or help, use the names and numbers, give them a call. they have been through their addictions and are now able to help, not only themselves but others as well.
it's a hard road to travel with only yourself, sometime there is a need for a connection with those who've been through it all and are now able to help others. as Bill and Doctor Bob knew well; sometimes it takes a community, made up of addiction survivors to help the individual not only find peace, but to also maintain their recovery and sobriety.
if, at some time in the future you find yourself out-of-place at an AA meeting, go and find another one which makes you feel more comfortable. don't worry about doing something like that. a high percentage of folks who seek out sobriety and recovery know that the way to recovery/sobriety is to find yourself an AA meeting where you fit in with and feel comfortable with.
it is your recovery. it is your sobriety. they are willing to help, so if at some point in time, find somebody compatible and learn from them on how to keep yourself sober and in recovery. believe me when i say, i walked a long road with my alcohol addiction and if it wasn't for folks wanting to help, and my own serious desire to live my life in sobriety and recovery. we know how much more beauty there is in the world, as perceived through clear eyes and a desire to continue the "new" lifestyle of somebody in recovery and sober.

good luck to you.

Superposition ѽ - Master Revenant - ѽ ⋅ March 07, 2018

Thank you so much for taking the time to write such a lovely note for me. I truly appreciate it.

ѽ - Master Revenant - ѽ Superposition ⋅ March 07, 2018

sure, that's ok. even though i don't work as a counselor anymore, helping people who need it, when it comes to addictions it's kind of in my nature to try to help and boost folks' resolve to continue in recovery. came across your "book," read your entry and thought "maybe i should say (write) something, it was all spontaneous on my side. but see, my dad taught me that when somebody is in need or to be support emotionally or stuff like that: we should try to help.
here's wishing you well on your sojourn.

Phade March 07, 2018

I don’t know…I have so much more that I want to talk about, like my fear of death and how the passing of time have been driving me crazy lately…

Yeah same here. But it's good you've been traveling at least. Best way (usually) to get out of your own head.

Superposition Phade ⋅ March 07, 2018

Traveling has definitely helped me to get out of my head, but I'm honestly kind of tired of it...I want to just get to work on paying off these debts and move on with my life.

A Pedestrian Wandering March 07, 2018

Writing has helped me process the strong emotions that come and go. If you're not comfortable sharing what I call the verbal vomit, make the entries private. Choosing a path and sticking to it because you know it leads to a better version of yourself is, in itself, an act of bravery. Good for you, man. Hang in there.

Superposition A Pedestrian Wandering ⋅ March 07, 2018

Thank you!

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