…because most of my timeline’s getting crankier and/or more political. (Note I left in one or two of those, so before anyone complains, just be glad I left out 98% of them.)

The dinosaurs didn’t know that correlation is not causation, and now they’re all dead.

–

Once every several years I do a Google search for something I wrote 25 years ago and find hundreds of uncredited versions of it online. It’s a weird quasi-legacy.

–

Coworker: “Can you believe it’s only two weeks ‘til Thanksgiving?”
Me: “I know, pretty soon we’ll be–”
Coworker: “–in the ground.”
Me: “Er, I was going to say ‘dealing with Christmas.’ But your thing’s stressful too.”

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I’m to the point where I don’t care enough to argue about one’s browser/beverage/sport/phone/pizza preferences. #PickingBattles

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McDonald’s: “Touchscreen ordering kiosks! Just in time for cold and flu season.”

–

Punctuation matters. A simple dash is the difference between re-signing and resigning.

–

A year ago I was gifted some pants that I really liked but couldn’t wear because they were super baggy.

Now they fit just fine.

I have mixed feelings about this.

–

I suck at chit-chat/small talk. I don’t know how to pretend I care about what you’re saying without actually getting emotionally invested in what you’re saying.

–

How’s this for irony: I tried to comment on the content of an article’s headline, but my comment was blocked for using the words already in said headline.

–

[apologies to Bon Jovi]
♪Batman is dark,
but also vain…
He gives stuff
A Bat-name!

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The nice thing about counting one’s blessings is it’s way quicker than counting everything that’s gone wrong.

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None of the food at Chipotle contains chipotle.
I would call this false advertising, but that’d just open a can of worms regarding Five Guys.

–

Took my mom to see The Last Jedi for her birthday. Less than ten minutes in she whispered, “Is this a spoof?” I had no definitive answer.

–

Sometimes people’s bodies make sounds to which the only fitting response is “Boy you said it, Chewie.”

–

Email: “If this wasn’t you, please disregard,”
That doesn’t seem far enough. I’d like the option to block whatever IP it was from trying to access my account in the future.

–

When it comes to missing but implied verbs, I can’t even.

–

When I was a little kid, if you’d told me that a half dozen different actors would play Batman in my lifetime, I’d have been shocked. “What, like they do with James Bond?”

–

I’m sometimes surprised to see certain relatives of mine use the acronym “OFC,” but apparently a lot of people think it just means “of course,” without the F-ing.

–

My brain has two gears: spaced out, and overthinking.

–

You would think Google Docs would be their answer to WebMD.

–

Dear companies that use robo-calls asking people to not hang up: how well does that work for you?

–

“It’s our Dollar Menu! Our one, two, three dollar menu!”

Nice try, McDonald’s.

Next week: “Try our Nickel Menu! Thirty, Sixty, Ninety Nickels!”

–

The problem with a hashtag like #WeirdWeddingGifts is my brain is not given any sufficient boundaries, so it starts imagining things like a day-glo outhouse filled with angry rabbits.

–

I won $5 in the lottery today. Hopefully this won’t change people’s behavior around me. The last thing I need is everyone hounding me for nickels, now that I can get like a hundred of them.

–

Me: looks at #ThingsNeverSaidInHarryPotter hashtag game
Brain: “Processing possible answers… error, stack overflow.”

–

ThingsNeverSaidInHarryPotter “For your safety, we have clearly marked all of the dangerous locations, doors, hallways, etc. with bright, legible signs and symbols, in accordance with public safety standards.”

–

I feel a lot better about disliking chipotles after learning they’re just ruined jalapeños. They’re like the raisins of the pepper world.

–

“Piano Man” turns 45 this year, and not that Billy Joel asked me, but “when I wore a younger man’s clothes” is one of the creepier ways to say “when I was younger.”

–

A grave robber is someone who takes things seriously.

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Echoes of the past is a redundant phrase. All echoes are of the past. That’s just how echoes work.

–

It can be hard to stretch your arm while driving without looking Nazi-ish in the process.

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Dear author friends: If at some point you’ve let me read a WIP and I didn’t finish it, my apologies. But also know that I also have unfinished books by Terry Pratchett, Neil Gaiman, and Robin Hobb, so you’re in good company, at least.

–

It’s been at least seven years since I last played Civ IV, but it’s the only Civ menu theme I remember.
“♪Oh, I’ve yet to get to the egg,
Thin Goonie egg, too late, too yummy,
Oh, Bob, I’ve yet to get to the egg,
Oh gee, Nala’s poetic, excuse me…“

(Sung with this:

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In 2014, if you had made a TV show and included the events of the Trump campaign and presidency, I would have complained that it was ridiculously over-the-top and not believable.

–

Often when I go to a site comparing two products, there will be comments saying the results are B.S. Which makes me wonder why that person is even on that product comparison page if they already know what the “real” results should be.

–

As time goes on, “Behind The Scenes” movie footage becomes increasingly depressing to witness. Soon it will just be footage of an actor standing in place in a featureless void, with all action, dialogue, movement, and scenery added in post.

–

Patreon survey: “Why did you decide today to be a patron?”
Me: “There always has to be a day that you decide things. This just happens to be it.”

–

Them: “Well, you can’t fix stupid.”
Me: “No! You totally can! That’s the whole point of learning.”

–

I downloaded an app that auto-censors compliments.
I can’t say enough good things about it.

–

“You’re hot.” “You’re cold!” “We’re like a McDLT where half of it’s unhappy with the situation.”

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They’re listening to a loud country station next door and I’d swear the singer just sang, “♪…folded wangs that used to fly…“

–

Me: “I can’t argue with that.”

This means either your argument was really good, or really, really stupid.

–

Dear Instant Ramen Bowl: Just, stop it with your “Serving Size”. No way are there ever two people eating from you.

–

♪When I was just a baby,
My momma told me “Son,
Don’t get into wordplay,
don’t ever play with puns,”
but I threw clocks out the window,
just to watch time fly…
When I hear that reader groanin’,
I lift my head and sigh.

–

I’m quite the sports unenthusiast.

–

So, I only just now figured out that people weren’t upset with Sarah, Duchess of York’s singing of the U.S. National Anthem.

–

Headline: “Driverless cars could hit California roads as soon as April.”
Psh. Visit Indiana in a blizzard, you’ll see plenty of driverless cars.

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Trump thinks we should put a ratings system on movies, but I wouldn’t want to live in such a strict hypothetical dystopia.

–

Okay, we’re all up to date now! (This line isn’t a tweet.)

Last updated February 27, 2018