aaaaaand practice never happened last night in Self-Improvement, 2018

so i wrote my previous entry, and then my boss laid a big project on me in the late afternoon and I actually ended up having to work late and i did miss practice. I mean I could have went and just shown up late, but my brain was sooooo beyond done by that point. I was pissed off with my boss, depressed about my current life situation even though I should be happy, which made me frustrated/depressed/pissed off all at once and I was legit almost in tears when I left the office last night. My boss actually said on the phone “I hope I’m not killing you with all of this” and the first thought that came up in my head instantly was “I’m already dead.” Def did not say that, but that’s how I felt. After leaving work late, I went for a long walk along the water in the dark. That made me feel better. Something about walking in the dark made me actually feel less lonely even though I was was completely alone.

I woke up feeling low this morning, but I did make it to kickboxing this morning which is the ONE place where there it is always a positive atmosphere. When I woke up this morning I had plans to self harm later in the day, but then at kickboxing they told me that it was my 99th class. Once you reach 100 classes, they engrave your name on this belt they have on display and celebrate your 100th class. They asked me if I was coming back in later again today. My response was “well shit, I guess so.” because my brain was so narrowed in/focused on how i was going to self harm, and my instructor telling me that i was 1 class away from my 100th completely snapped me out of it. And its a football free night. So I will not self harm tonight.