Puerto Rico, submission, no condoms and whatever in Musings

Yaniel and I are in Puerto Rico…

It’s horrible here… it’s so sad and depressing seeing all these houses with blue tarp over there rooftops…

His family was devastated by the hurricane and he had to swim to his family’s house and I had a complete panic attack… I’ve never seen so much destruction and devastation and having an overwhelming feeling of desperation and hopelessness. I was so overwhelmed with grief and I kept it down so that he wouldn’t know I was freaking out.
I’ve never seen a grown man cry and blubber seeing his childhood pictures, memories and house eaten alive. God I’m having anxiety thinking about the devastation, his face as he put all of his belongings in my bag, ripping off his shirt and swimming to where his house was. I was so freaked out, heart broken and I felt like I couldn’t breathe.
My heart was broken… but I’m grateful that his family is all well and alive; well as good as they can be after a complete natural disaster that’s wiped off people from the island; my island, my mother’s island.

We’ve been on and off the island… and even though he’s distraught, he’s a Puerto Rican man and his spirit, along with everyone’s in Puerto Rico has been so optimistic, resilient, vibrant and unbreakable. Maybe, why I’m so connected to him… I understand his Puerto Rican manliness… I understand how he’s so proud and how he feels super threatened by me, because he’s never dated someone like me… I’m not like his bum bitch ex-boyfriend’s, I have a real job, I’m not impressed by his jail time, his hoodrat life and I don’t let him know how intimidated I am by the women he’s dated… and no shade—at the end of the day, the bracelets on my wrist, the shoes on my feet can each be a down payment on a house in Puerto Rico.

This is our third visit and I’ve made so many contributions to his family… it’s not going to be the same home, but it’s going to be a livable space…for his aunt and his sister…

Last night we got stoned and drunk and he seemed weird and so sketchy… so we walked to the beach at night right off of our rented apartment…

He was being fishy all day and I would call him out on it “papi, you’re being weird” I said to him. “Nah! You’re being crazy” he would say and scurry away.

So as we walked on the beach he grabbed my flip flops and flung them in the sand, ripped me off the ground and dragged me to the water. “Yanni!!! Stop!!! I’m going to murder you!” “Yeah?!” He said as he laughed and I felt splashes of water being kicked up from his feet hitting my back.
He threw me in the water and dove into the water. I’m fully clothed and when I found my ground, I flipped out and he’s laughing. “Take off your clothing little princess!” He mocked me as he ripped off his wet shorts.
I walked out of the ocean soaking wet… cursing him out, cursing the day he was born. “Oh but you’re Boricua?!” He said as I walked out of the ocean. “Yanni, you’re a fucking piece of shit!” I screamed feeling salt water dripping in my eyes. “My contact lenses!” I said trying to rub the salt water out of my eyes, only exacerbating the stinging. “Fuck Yanniel!!!! My jeans!!! You asshole!” I started to walk away trying to see with the salt water burning my eyes. “Tu me amas (you love me)” He said in Spanish as he tackled me down into the sand. I felt the sand attaching itself to my clothing and I’m infuriated and I’m blind and I keep cursing him out as I start walking toward the exit for the beach. “Turn the fuck around!” He yelled as I kept getting further away from him. “Yooo!! If you don’t turn around, I’m going to turn you around!” He yelled. “What?!?!” I said turning around seeing him kneeling in the sand and holding a little gold loop in his hands. “You better have turned around, dummy” he said as he walked on his knees with his hands outstretched to me. “I’m an asshole, I know you got better rings than this, but this one is from me, the last one you will ever get” he said as he grabbed my left hand. “I love you Andrés” he said as his voice quivered. “You’re my best friend and I don’t have much, you’re pretty and you’re successful and you don’t need a bum like me in your life, but I need you to have me in your life.”

As he spilled all of this I was as stunned and stoned and confused and I could just hear the waves just roaring on the shore. I felt dizzy and I could hear the distant singing of the Coqui (Puerto Rican tree frog) as if it were chirping loudly into my ears. The stinging of sea salt burned my eyes and for a split moment, I hear him saying “be mine papi, be with me forever and let’s just do this! Just marry me? Okay?” He said as I felt his wet hands.
I stood there in front of him and I naturally nodded my head and whispered “yes, of course”

He pushed the ring into my finger and wrapped his arms around my waist and picked me up and screamed “wepa!” As he dunked us into the ocean again.
I found my footing in the sea and I was just completely elated, confused, overthinking everything. He grabs my face and kisses me. “tu eres mio” he kissed me and I felt his naked body, pressing against me. I keep thinking—is this the life I want? Did I just get engaged to a Puerto Rican man? Am I committed to this? Is this where my life is leading me? “Papi tu eres tan lindo, me gusta to’ de ti (Babe your so beautiful, I love everything about you)” he said in Spanish. “Papi, I’m so stoned” I said to him, wiping water off my face, walking out of the ocean.
He ran behind me and tackled me onto the sand and I’m just getting irritated and he’s pulling me onto his naked body on the sand. “Soy un hijo de puta, tu me haces ser un hombre, estoy pa’ ti (I’m a hopeless son of a bitch, you make me be a good man, I’m stuck on you)” he said in Spanish.
I stood up from his lap and walked over his face, trying to walk off the beach. “Baby?!” He said as he grabbed me from behind, “I’m not a perfect man, I’m not a good man, but I’m yours!” And I kept walking towards our apartment… and as I got closer to the edge, he ran to get his clothing off the beach..and I was off the beach and into the streets..

Something about Latino men, specifically about Puerto Rican men… they are intoxicating… they will charm your pants off… they’re toxic… and I’ve stayed away from Puerto Rican men for so long for a reason…

They will enchant you with super sweet words… in Spanish it’s known as ‘alcahueta’. I know this because I’m a Puerto Rican man and I’m a man eater… and it’s fucked up admitting this, but I didn’t get to where I am by being nice… I got here because the gay men I’ve dated they’ve become enchanted by me, like a siren pulling them to there destruction, and I am aware of who I am—and the way I’ve eaten men’s souls, out of there trust funds, out of alimony—it’s fucked up! I’m a vampire drinking lives and I’m not even that pretty. What would have happened if I wasn’t 6.5-7? What if I was a 9-10? I would’ve swallowed the world.

Yanni is stupid to want to marry me… but he’s smart to, because I know his game and I don’t want to think this way…

I dragged myself to bed and he’s laying naked in the room, waiting for me… “Este bicho ‘te esta esperando (this dick is waiting for you)” he said as he wrapped his arms around me pulling off my shirt. “I’m good, Yanni…” I tried pushing him off of me. “Papi, yo soy un diablo, me lo vas a dar o lo cojo, eso es mio (baby, im fucking satan, you gonna give it up or I’m gonna take it, you’re mine)” he said as he ripped my pants off down to my knees. “Yanni, no!” I said as I squirmed under him. “Oh?!” He said as he ripped my jeans and underwear “that’s fucking mine” “Tu quieres ser dificil (you wanna be difficult)” he wrapped my legs around his shoulders. “Yanni, stop, I don’t want to have sex” I said and trying to pull my legs off his shoulders. “You do what I fucking say” he said kissing me and kissing my inner thighs resting on his arms. “Get the fuck off of me nigga!” I said “Nah! Dique ningun ‘nigga’ yo soy el quien manda aqui, tu gritas mucho, yo se lo que tu quieres (nah fuck that “nigga”shit, I’m the man, I make the rules, you fucking whine too much, I know what you want)” he said and I felt him and I watched his hazel eyes as he penetrated me… and I bit his shoulder… I felt like I was going to rip a piece of his skin. “Fuck you! You wanna eat me?!” He said I felt his skin break in my mouth and he held my throat against the pillow. “Cabron, tu eres mio, tu no me asustas (asshole, bite me, you’re fucking mine, I’m not scared of you)” he said as he shoved himself completely inside of me and I struggled under him. “Esto es un pacto, te lo meto duro pa’ que sepas que tu eres mio cabron, tu eres mio maldito (I’m shoving myself in you, this is a pact I’m making with you, you’re fucking mine you little piece of shit)” and I struggled under him and he kept me in line… fuckkkkk it’s so fucked up…
He choked the fuck out of me.

He didn’t wake up the next day seeing the bruises on my body from our sex…and apologizing for it… I looked at myself in the mirror with black and blues on my neck and he’s awake and he just looked at me and said “I’m not like them gringos you fucked, you’re a king to me, but you need to figure out when to shut the fuck up, so you won’t have those bruises…” he kissed me and slapped my ass “Yo quiero panqueque, revoltillo y salchichas ( I want pancakes, scrambled eggs and sausage)” and my first thought was like I’m not doing shit for you, you’re a piece of shit !! And then I was like he’s my man, I don’t want these choke marks and these bruises on me, I need to submit to him.

Something about being marked and bruised makes me stupid… but it’s not like the bruises that I got from Alex…

Yanni owns the bruises he’s given me… I go out with my friends and he’s there and Victor is like why is your neck black and blue—Yanni owns up to it “I fucked the shit out of him and that’s my hand mark on his throat” I don’t have to pretend that I fell on a tub… Victor and my friends see it as like “damn your man is kinky as fuck… you good right?”

Yanni is a fucking hoodrat and I’m a hoodrat, but I grew up with a “silver spoon in my mouth” according to him… my best friends are hood rats just like me… we didn’t grow up being molested, learning how to load a gun and kill dudes at 7-8 years old and honestly if I lived Yannis life I would’ve committed suicide at 10.... being bisexual, I would’ve killed myself… but Yanni persevered…

Victor knows where Yanni grew up and he also heard about Yanni, because it’s such a small island and he was a “gay” hood rat and Yanni fucked mad girls in his hood… and according to Victor, Yanni isn’t the type of boy that I should ever be with… but I’m dating the asshole of Puerto Rico—I’m mildly rich, my w-2 forms say that I make 974,215$ a year…I mean no wonder I wear Louboutins to the beach…

When you’re such a bad fucking bitch, when you’re such a fucking asinine complaining bitch… I should never fall inlove with a dude that makes 50k a year…I shouldn’t be under his spell… I shouldn’t be covering my neck up because he fucked Me up (with permission).

I don’t know I really love Yanniel… and he’s such a douchebag.... I like that he’s so dominant… and it seems like he doesn’t give a fuck that I’m making more than him, he just knows that when he fucks me; he needs to mark me, make me shut the fuck up, no one cares at the end of the day he’s still 9 inches deep in me and I have to take it.

I’m one of those weird fancy people that bosses everyone around and in my personal life I want someone to spit in my face and tell me I’m a piece of shit and I need to be dominated…

Yanni dominates the fuck out of me… sometime in the past 4 months going back and forth to Puerto Rico… we were having sex and he ripped off his condom and came inside of me and he was just like “I don’t have anything, if you were a girl, you’d be having my 4th kid, from how deep I’d be cumming in you , I was using condoms with you cause you’re so ‘gringo’ I don’t got aids or hiv… I don’t want to use them with you” he said as he kissed me. “My cock is yours and I hope your booty is mine” he said kissing me. “I don’t care that we have a gay relationship, I just hate that I can’t cum in you and love you and hope for our love to produce a baby, I want a baby that is half you and half me” he said.

And it hurt me so much… I can never have his child or he could never have my child… we will never have a newborn that is half Andrés and half Yanniel… well atleast the child will never have my black curly hair and his hazel eyes… or the baby will never have my flat fat thumbs and Yanniel’s concave chest…he/she won’t have his dumb fat bottom lip or my birthmark on his/her face next to the left eye. When he stopped using condoms, I’ve never felt like such a failure… I want to have his kids… I want to fall inlove with him as a father…I could never give him that… and it does hurt…
I did tell him and he says that I’m just stupid and overthinking… and as a joke he just says “I love cumming inside you and not worrying that you could get pregnant, don’t worry about that babe…when the time comes and we feel the need to mess up a little kid’s mind with our fucked-up-ness, we’ll cross that bridge together” but I’m a gay man, he’s a bisexual guy, I can’t help but thinking that he’s not fulfilling his full life…like he’s not fulfilling his full potential…

And I know he would just say “I love you and you happened to be a dude, and you’re all I need, I’m still bisexual and I look at girls, just like I look at guys, maybe cause I’m a dirt bag I wanna fuck them, but I think of you and I only wanna be with you… and you make me happy and I’m happy because I hope I make you happy…I see you looking at other dudes… but I just hope that you just want me… you choose me…right?” He said pressing me against him.
“¿Verdad?” He said pulling my chin to his face. I just smirked and ignored him. “I love you Yanni” I said giggling into his chest and wrapping my arms around his waist. “Oh aight you love me?” “Stupid, I’m worried about being a man and not being able to have your kids—you know how much I hate kids?!” I said “Yeah you’re right… I know, I want kids with you, that little African baby will be a piece of you and a piece of me” he said kissing the top of my head. “I’m good with it being me and you right now though, I wanna squirt a couple thousand loads in you before we have a baby, or maybe have a diamond on your ring and a Rolex on my wrist, so you’re not the only one paying for he/she’s future”