January 29, 2018 in Journal 1

If you ask my mom, she’d, in all likelihood, say that I spend all of my time in the library. But, she would be wrong. I spend all of my time in my room– as if I were a prisoner. Honestly, if you put a video camera in a corner, you would just see me walk around, change positions, talk to myself, and dawdle for hours on end. But, I’m in a library right now, and it just got me thinking about how much I love the atmosphere of libraries.
The reason for this is because I love being surrounded by knowledge and I like knowing that everything worth knowing is at my fingertips. And, while, of course, the internet could just as easily provide me with knowledge for a time longer than my lifespan, the actual physical representation of knowledge defined by the countless books in a library is something different. But, then again, perhaps this is just another appeal to the vanity of intellect and success (refer to December 10, 2017). Why is it that I am so obsessed with the idea of an image? I have reflected for a prolonged period on this subject, and I know that this infatuation is not causal to wanting other people to like how I look or pay attention to me. Others can see me in any way they like; perhaps, as a generic human in the background of their life with no original content or depth, or someone who is quite the opposite of how I see myself, or, even, someone who is very similar to how I see myself yet still slightly off-kilter. I don’t care how I am seen; or, better said, how I am remembered, if I am remembered at all. And, because the way people interpret language is so intricately tangled with how they have associated it with certain emotions, I beg you to forget yourself and your associations and take me at my word. I say all that I say with all the truth I know and without a single ounce of bitterness. I do not care if I am remembered.
So, what is this obsession with aestheticism? It is something I have recognized in a host of other millennials as well. Is it a plague of my generation? Or, is it a phase correlating to my age? Have most people gone through this experience or is it an experience of a minority population? Hmmmm.... there are two ways I can go about answering these questions. 1) I can survey a large group of people or 2) I can wait until I am older. The former way involves interacting with others and relying on their honesty, so I think I’ll just wait until I’m older. For now, it seems the best way to learn and move forward is to not exactly lean into the “aesthetic life”, but to buy into the idea that the “aesthetic” is not a bad thing and that it is merely a manifestation of my happiness, and, thus, working toward something similar to that image in my head is my working towards happiness. However, it is important to maintain the knowledge that though you buy the “aesthetic”, it is not a perfect thing and may, in some cases, be one’s detriment. In other words, steer clear of appeals to confirmatory bias.

Last updated January 30, 2018