Giving My Self a Name: Statement of Intention in My Fucking Feelings

A friend suggested I give myself a name rather than letting someone else label me. She suggested I could choose who I wanted to be. This is not entirely true of course. I could not choose to surpass my genetic limitations. However, it is a good point. So I wanted to hammer out something solid. Who I percieve myself to be or the person I’d like to be and the traits required thereof. I will list traits I have or would like to obtain and then list what I will need to be sure I have those and that I am not just faking them.

I would like to be:

A person of surpassing intelligence. I can prove this to myself by continuing to further my education and getting an official IQ test from MENSA.

A wise person. Continued study of the nature of God and pursuit of a stronger relationship with him will ensure this.

A confident person. I can build this trait by addressing my fears. The smaller ones first and then the larger ones.

A humble and compassionate person. Working in healthcare is certainly good for this, but it would be nice if there were someone I trusted enough to be vulnerable with. I don’t really trust people, ever.

I would like to see myself someday serving a strong man of God as his wife. I need to know what traits are required for this. I suppose ot would be different for any man.

I’d like for people to know me as the person that helps other people. This is the tricky one. I always end up having to sacrafice myself to help them, but understanding people better may be the first big step. Good thing I’m a psych major.

I’d like to also be someone that people reapect and don’t mess with, but that is something I must let God handle for me. I’ve created enough fear and pain for a lifetime.

I’d like to be the Mom my son will look up to hia whole life. Perhaps that means I will have to make sacrafices. I know that. I just don’t always know which things are the right things to focus on. I often wonder how my son sees me. I fret over it, worried he will grow up to dissaprove of my parenting. I suppose if I do the very best I can then that will have to be enough.

I’d like to be able to connect with people. This is one of the hardest bits of all. I always feel so disconnected from the people around me. I don’t know how to fix it. I’ve never fit in. I never really cared to, but sometimes it gets lonely to be different.

Things I don’t want to lose:

My love for God.
My passion for reading.
My desire to make art.
My ability to help people.
My quirkiness.
My son.
My ability to think freely and form my own opinions.
My memories.
My desire to learn new things.

I suppose I’ve at least made a good start.