letter to the husband in Self-Improvement, 2018

My husband has been heating up again and has now requested that I write him a letter detailing all of my thoughts recently. I told him I would write him a letter, but in doing so, it would come with my decision. I’m ready to give it, this two-week plan hasn’t been working well. I don’t think he actually understood it when he left the therapist’s office. And I have a place to stay temporarily , so I’m ready to tell him everything. *Note, for my personal safety, I did leave out my makeout sessions with the other woman. You can judge me for that, but his thought process hasn’t been the clearest lately. So this is what I wrote:

Dear J****,

I’m sorry for the pain and hurt I’ve caused you recently. That was never my intent. I hope this letter can explain what’s been going on inside my head a little better than I’ve been able to communicate verbally.
To begin, I’d like to reassure you that yes, I was 100% in love with you when you proposed to me and when we got married. To accuse me of never having been in love with you is completely unfair and irrational. I was 22 years old and you were my first and only boyfriend. At the same time, I do not believe that people actually know who they truly are until they are at least age 25, when they’ve had to battle and conquer a few life experiences of their own. At 22 years old, I didn’t have the chance to mature emotionally and explore other relationships – with men or women.
I didn’t catch myself having feelings toward other women until late 2013. At first they were easy to ignore as “just a phase”. I ignored these feelings pretty effectively until 2016, when they became harder to ignore. It just happened randomly. I’d see complete strangers and think to myself “wow, she’s really cute.” I was able to ignore these feelings so well that it didn’t seem worth mentioning to anyone else.
Last year the feelings became almost impossible to ignore. While I never pursued a romantic relationship with another woman, the desire was there. When a few teammates went to the gay bar after practice, I wanted to go with, but I came home instead. When there became a LGBTQ Kitsap County meetup group, my first thought was “I want to join, these are my people.” I never joined though.
I do not need nor do I want to experiment with another woman, just to “prove” that I am 100% certain. I have understood my feelings for the past year, and I’m sorry that I didn’t know how to tell you, and that you had to be the one to ask the question. That wasn’t fair to you, and I realize that now.
I have not taken this decision as likely as it may seem. There has not been a day within the last week that I have not cried. This is my decision and cannot be a “whatever you’d like” decision. This is my decision to make and my responsibility to own all the consequences that come with it. There is nothing about my decision that can he “challenged” or “fixed” by anyone else.
Yes, I am a lesbian. I know it with all my heart, and I want to explore without being in a committed heterosexual relationship. I know my therapist explained to you that coming out is a sensitive subject and it’s up to the person who is coming out how and when they want to come out to family members, but I want you to know that I came out to my mom and sister today. They are the only two in my family who know for now. I will come out to the rest in the following days.
I hope this provides some closure. Yes, I want a divorce, as I will no longer be able to fill the role as your wife emotionally or sexually. I want you to have the house. My intent was never to displace you or to make you want to quit your job and move back to Michigan. I need you to be able to prove that you can make the house payments, and I whole-heartedly believe you can do that. I really hope your new church, divorce support group, and therapist are all able to help you grieve the loss of this marriage and to help you grow post-divorce.
It may not seem like it now, nor may it in a year from now, but accepting this for what it is in order to move on is what we both need to do to heal. A lot of healing is in order for both of us, and I hope we each get that, and that we can come out of this better than we were before.
I hope this letter has helped to bring some clarity into my thoughts. I’m not a good verbal communication, and I’m working on that. I tend to freeze and shut down during normal every day conversation, and that response is even heightened if I feel like the person who I’m talking to is already in a defensive state and trying to put words in my mouth or twist what I’m saying into something completely else. When I’m feeling super pressured, I will say whatever I think the other person wants to hear. I’m sure you can relate to that.
We can talk logistics and everything else later, but please realize I’m not trying to come after you for anything. All I want is the freedom and legal separation (divorce) to really, truly personally grow and pursue guilt-free relationships with other women, and for you to become the version of yourself that I know you want and can be.

Respectfully,
A*

Thoughts? If he doesn’t understand my decision after this, I don’t know what else I can say. I’m giving this to him tonight after football practice. He wanted it before football practice, but I don’t have enough time to stop at home and still show up for practice on time. He doesn’t like that, but he’s going to have to live with that decision and the one within this letter. Send positive, rejuvenation thoughts my way guys. I’m gonna need them.