catalyst in 2018

10:10am

I’m avoiding again [for the billionth time] but I know I need to write. It’s always such a huge relief to get the thoughts out of my head. Like giving them up to the world and releasing them from my headspace. I need to do that every now and then even if I do it while dragging my feet.

I guess a part of me feels weird about always discussing the same ol’ stuff. I mean I can’t really help what’s in my head. I started working on an entry about the whole thing but then I got to the part where I needed to deal with my feelings towards God and I stopped. I don’t know how to process all that. And it’s crazy because I’ve spent my entire life with this belief in this higher being. For the first time I started to question that belief and honestly I probably lost a little bit of my faith last year and I feel kinda terrible about it. I know people don’t really believe in God or organized religion any more so it’s hard to connect with anyone over this. Anyway the entry is sitting there and I’m still trying to figure out how to deal.

Of course I saw TF’s brother this morning standing outside of my neighbor’s house. I actually saw him yesterday too. We were driving down the road and this guy was working on pruning a tree and from the back he reminded me of TF but I knew it wasn’t him. Then we passed the truck and it listed a landscaping company he works with and I turned around and caught sight of his face and sure enough. We were going to turn around and go hassle him but decided against it.

He looks so much like TF though. Out of all the brothers I think these two are the closest match. They even sound alike. It’s a little creepy the way they’re so similar in body type and everything.

So yeah, we were pulling out of the garage [running a little late eek] and I thought I saw him but wasn’t sure. I asked mom but then there were two other guys there I didn’t recognize so thought I mixed them up. As we turned around in the street I saw him standing by the truck though and waved [even though clients don’t always recognize me without mom lol] and he smiled and waved and we ended up pulling up next to him. He walked over to the car and started talking to mom about the tree she wanted trimmed. Then he bent down to peek in the window and say hi to me. He actually ended up kneeling down on the ground to talk to us for a minute. Mostly about pruning the tree, and our wood chipper [that I’d forgotten about but clearly he didn’t], asked how we were doing, and said he wouldn’t be coming in this year. Bummer. There were some jokes and when he stood up we told him we were late and had to get to work. He probably could have stood there talking forever. I’ll miss the meeting with him this year since we won’t get all of the gossip. Maybe he’ll stop by just to hang out.

Seeing him though is like seeing TF only without that extra connection. The same sort of feelings spring up though. And I miss all of the sweet things about him all over again. I miss his face and talking to him. I just miss the easy-goingness. He did always make me feel really comfortable in person. I enjoyed talking to him when we were getting along. I mean that’s why I was so stuck on him. It’s why I’m still talking about him almost a year later.

Being around his brother this morning triggered one of those moments where I realize I won’t have that. I really enjoy his family! I always had this fantasy of going to all their family gatherings and getting to spend time with them. When I was a little kid I wanted to be with someone that had a big family so I could experience what I didn’t have. Then I’ve gotten along with all of them that I’ve met and of course my imagination went wild. Like HEY this is what I’ve been looking for! So it kinda bums me out that I won’t get to experience that with his family and seeing any of them makes my heart hurt a little tiny bit. Obviously seeing this particular brother hurts the most because we really get along and he has all of these physical similarities to TF. [too bad he’s married ;) hah]

Some days I am totally fine about all of this and I smile at all of the memories, but there are still so many days where I’m falling apart in tears. It’s so stupid. Why does it still matter so much, or hurt so much? It shouldn’t right? It’s been so long. It wasn’t even real.

I think maybe that time with him some how became responsible for shattering a lot of my ideas on life. Like “here’s everything you wanted” and then “JK it’s not what you wanted at all! Haha”

So what I’d spent almost 30 years waiting for turned out to be wrong for me. And I learned that people don’t always say what they mean. I had to revise my outlook and expectations on what I’d always wanted for a relationship and also how I felt towards the rest of the world. That was a lot of big mental changes for one year. Especially since I didn’t expect to experience any of them.

I know that it wasn’t his fault. I know that he didn’t mean for things to turn out this way or for it to impact me in such a strong way. He doesn’t even know that it did. But he just turned out to be the catalyst. Even if neither of us meant for him to be. I can’t change that or make it turn out differently.

rose.

I didn’t get a chance to finish this yesterday but I don’t even know where I was going with it anyway. I’m still trying to figure out how to put it into words I think. So I’ll post and continue on…

Last updated January 25, 2018