appointment recap - its long and sorry i'm not sorry about that lol in Self-Improvement, 2018

so the appointment with my therapist, staring the hubby as the special guest, was last night. originally the plan was for me to pick him up after I got off work, but I hadn’t seen him since Thursday night and not knowing if his mental state had improved any since Sunday, I lied and said I was working late and wouldn’t have time to pick him up after work and that we would need to meet there. I didn’t want to be stuck in a car with him after the appt if the appt went really bad. I told me therapist that when she asked if we drove separately. stopping to pick him up at the house adds about 20 mins to the trip, so my excuse was totally believable. He didn’t like it, but he came.

My therapist and I arranged that she would call me back first to do a 5 minute check-in with her (just me and her only) before she called him back. i literally wrote a five page summary, broken down by day, of all the events that had transpired since Wednesday night and read it word for word to her. My mind goes completely blank when put on the spot trying to remember things, so I thought that was the only way I could get everything out as quickly as possible. After I read the whole thing, I made eye contact with her (first time ever) and told her I was scared. Pretty sure she had already got that from my five page summary, but I needed to say the words, even though I acknowledged the fact that the reason I stayed at the hotel all weekend was because I didn’t feel safe at home.

She wasn’t comfortable with the fact that I didn’t have plans to stay anywhere other than home that night. So we made a plan for what we’d say to him to try to calm him down for two weeks while I planned where I was going to go knowing that my mind was made up. The entire plan was concocted to ensure I had two weeks of safety (nothing more, nothing less). The plan was this: Tell him I was still trying to figure out my sexuality and I needed two weeks of space where he wasn’t allowed to pressure me into one way of thinking or the other. If he did try to pressure me (and we will get to this part, trust me!), then I would be allowed to remind him that he agreed he wouldn’t pressure me. Her job was to get him to agree to the two weeks and to de-escalate his emotions, buying me two weeks of time

So then she called him back. He was guns blazing right off the bat. She’s a christian faith-based counselor, but we’ve never not once talked about religion, because when I first started seeing her it was at a public clinic and on my intake form at this place, I put down “None” as my religious preference. He made sure she knew that I was “Very anti-religion”, his words not mine. He told her we’ve never fought, not once, and everything had been good until this weekend. I said “but I’ve asked you for a divorce before” (because I have - twice and I told her about those times) he shrunk in his chair. Then he said if I was in fact a lesbian, I would need to prove it. She asked “Prove it how?” and he said he’d demand I tell my mother and sister because then it would mean it was true. (Insider’s hint: I already have). She told him that coming out is a very sensitive issue for most people and its up to them to come out how they want to and on their own pace. He said nothing.

He further said he’d been smoking a lot more pot than I ever knew and that there were edible wrappers “all over the house” (I’ve never seen any) and that he wanted to get caught again. He was hoping to get caught again.

He made sure she knew that I didn’t go home for his father’s funeral. He didn’t mention that flights were $900 round trip and I didn’t have week-long care for any of the three pets. his flight plus my flight plus the rental care would have been $2,400. Not sure how much boarding fees are for dogs and cats for a week and at last minute, but I’m guessing its not cheap.

He handed her his phone and told her to read the text messages we sent each other while I was gone. That part I was like “Wow, she’s going to see how completely unstable you were if she reads all of those. Right on.” She pretended to read a screen’s worth without scrolling and then handed him his phone back.

He told her that I made him cry for two hours at work which was embarassing because at his work its all open space and nowhere to hide.

He told her we was really angry that I left and spent the weekend at a hotel. She VERY calmly said things like that usually happen out of fear and its basically a flight response out of the “fight or flight” response.

He asked how the issue of my Codependency came up in session with her last time because every resource I showed him was, in his mind, exactly how a marriage was supposed to be. So wrong! She explained codependency and hearing it from someone other than me and myr resources seemed to help.

He told her that he wanted ME to start drug testing him randomly. I told him I would feel more like a parent than a wife if I started enforcing home drug tests. My therapist recommended that he get a drug test once a month at an outside source (i.e. a doctor’s office) and then show me the results when they came in. She asked if he would be willing to do that. At first he ignored the question, so then she continued and told him that it might be awhile until the drug tests started showing lower levels because it takes 30 days to clear out but it would show he was trying. Then he said “well with the amount I’ve been smoking, it will take 45-60 days.” she asked him again if he’d be willing to get tested at an outside source and that the tests have the ability to show the amount so repeated tests would show the amount lower over time, and this time he said yes. Not sure if that was to please her or if he meant it. Apparently the problem is even worse than I thought.

While he was saying all of these things, he also admitted that most of the stuff he said to me (Thursday & Sunday, specifically) was only to hurt me. He acknowledged his intent was to hurt me with his words.

Then she started the process of de-escalating his emotions. She does work wonders, which is why I wanted to continue seeing her again at this new place. She recommended that he start seeing someone for therapy himself because he deserves to get better. Unfortunately, he misunderstood that and asked me for her number today to schedule his own appt with her. She’s been seeing me individually one and off for the past year, and in the intake form I signed, it said that a therapist can’t see a client’s spouse if the therapist has already been seeing the client individually. Its a confilct of interest for the therapist. if the therapist has seen neither the wife or husband individually and they sign up specifically for couples therapy then yes absolutely the therapist will see both. Not sure he grasped that.

Anyway, she wrapped up her de-escalation with him and told him that he could leave because she still had a few “confidential items” to go over with me before the end of the session. So he headed home. By then he agreed to give me two weeks of no-pressure space to make my decision and that if my decision was that I was a lesbian, he would 100% support that. he said that in front of both her and me. I felt a lot safer to go home and so did my therapist. Plan was in motion. Unfortunately, it seems to have given him false hope. The fact that I went home last night kind of made him forget about the whole “no pressure” thing. He brought out pics of us together while we were both in the Navy that I sent to him while he was on deployment. He wanted me to look at them and go down memory lane with him. He asked if he could start going to kickboxing with me and said he wanted to start up movie dates with me again. The man is SO DARN HOPEFUL now. I keep saying “remember no pressure while I make my decision” but ughhhhh. The worst part is I found a place to stay and dont need the entire two weeks. I posted in my football team’s FB group my situation and one of my teammates agreed to take me for one month only. I’m trying to be a good friend to him while reminding him of what we agreed to. My therapist also hopes that even though I already know my decision, if I’m nice to him in a friend-like way for these two weeks and don’t lead him astray with romantic outings or husband-initiated sex, it could be a friendly divorce.

Her confidence level wasn’t there after seeing his combative/accusatory tone & choice of words, but she said anything was possible.

My next appointment with her is Feb 5th. I will have told him my decision by then. My plan is to stay with my friend for a month while I see how he handles me being away again, if we can in fact remain on friendly terms while I’m away and see if he can manage the house payments by himself.

This is long enough, so I’ll end it. This is where I’m at.

Last updated January 23, 2018