FET in The ugly truth about making babies

There is an embryo in my uterus!!

It felt like a totally different experience to the first time around. I think the first time around it was all a bit traumatic. We had done 7 weeks of meds just to get to the point of egg retrieval, then the retrieval itself and all the pain afterwards, only to go back 5 days later and have an embryo transferred into what I’m sure can’t have been a very hospitable environment given that someone had stabbed through and into it with a giant ass needle only 5 days before.

Not to mention Joey and I weren’t in a very good place, my hormones had been all over the place and I’m sure I had been difficult to live with, he had been drinking when he shouldn’t, sending texts he shouldn’t and I had discovered all of this the night I triggered before retrieval. At the time I felt torn but like I had to go through with treatment after I’d done so much to get to that point. I’d lost all the weight, I’d done all the drugs and injections, I’d done all the invasive tests, and he had been a knob the whole time. I’d done too much to waste all that effort by walking away from a full cycle of ivf at the last hurdle.

We did have a conversation eventually, after it had all come out, and there was a lot of guilt on his part, that I was going through this when the problem is his sperm. I did say that if he felt guilty and wanted to make it easier for me then he should be supporting me rather than dicking about getting drunk and sending stupid messages to other women.

It’s not been easy, or pleasant, but we’ve worked really hard to get to a point where I feel like this transfer is something I’ve chosen because it’s something I WANT to be doing rather than feeling like my back is against the wall. In a lot of ways I feel like we should be proud that infertility has pushed us to the brink and we’ve survived it. But then I don’t want to get cocky and speak too soon, there are no guarantees and we still have a long way to go before we even get a positive pregnancy test (test day is 30/1/18), let alone get through a healthy pregnancy and bring a baby home.

Today was such a positive experience. We arrived at the clinic and had to wait a short time, then it was our turn to go through and get dressed up in all the garb, gown, hat etc. Off we go through to the theatre room, the embryologist comes and tells us our embryo has thawed perfectly (why I want to say defrosted EVERY SINGLE TIME I don’t know!), and that we just have a quick 10/15 minutes while they soak the embryo in glue - not actually glue, but a substance that mimics the natural secretions of the uterus, which they think helps the embryos stick.

While we were waiting for the glue to take, we were laughing and joking with the doctor and nurses. It was so laid back and relaxed, very casual and lighthearted which was just what I needed this time around. We were chatting to the doc about why some frozen embryos don’t thaw properly, which he said was to do with the freezing process rather than the thaw. He also told us a very funny story about a conference he was speaking at in a top hotel in London, where he was to be demonstrating passing a catheter through an artificial cervix, only to find all his demonstration cervices had no opening in so he was frantically running around the hotel asking for a drill with a small drill bit. He said when it eventually came to demonstrating it was like throwing a sausage up a drainpipe as the hole was so big! He’s the guy who did our egg retrieval and first transfer, and he’s very very funny and full of life and mischief I bet.

Then came the shout through from the embryologist to say she was ready, and about 5 minutes later we were being handed an ultrasound picture of the tiniest, sweetest little white spot on grainy black that we’ve ever seen. Our embryo is home, tucked up in my uterus, and we’re hoping that’s where it stays. It’s unvelievable to think that that tiny embryo, that tiny cluster of cells that have only been in existence for 5 days - and 3 months if you count the freezer time - those little cells that could fir on the head of a pin, are a) dividing inside me right now, and b) have the potential to become our future child. How that little cluster of cells could grow into a baby is just incredible and mind blowing.

Fingers crossed for the next 11 days. I’m off to relax as much as possible and watch some comedy, apparently embryos like laughter.

Xx