Terrible, thanks for asking in through the looking glass.

  • Jan. 12, 2018, 4:27 p.m.
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I’m still not really coping.

I’m so afraid that we won’t be able to have children. And the thing is, you don’t ever really know until it works out or you give up. Sometimes it feels easier to convince myself that it’s not going to happen than to be hopeful and open to my utter lack of control over the situation.

I’m also still struggling with why. “Why us?” (And angrily, but not without also feeling horrified at myself, “Why not them?” as I watch all the other women I know move obliviously, blissfully from pregnancy to motherhood.) I wish there was an explanation for why this happened, something that would give some purpose to this suffering.

I’m somewhat scared and ashamed of how intensely I want to be a mother. How much I don’t really care about anything else now. Is this really all I am? Yes.

It seems so vulnerable and dangerous to want something this much.

Fawkes Gal January 12, 2018

How long have you been trying? It took my sister a couple of years, but she eventually got pregnant and had a healthy kid.

MLbA Fawkes Gal ⋅ January 15, 2018

6 months, if you include the miscarriage. Not that long, but it feels like an eternity. Thanks for the note. :)

..:TigerLilliesRain:.. January 12, 2018

I lost four babies before conceiving my two angel babies. My first and my last miscarriages were the absolute worst. Everyone around me happened to sneeze and get pregnant, even the one's who swore they would never want kids "it wasn't their thing".. I would question God daily and ask why he took my babies and let everyone else keep theirs. With my fourth miscarriage I had lost every single iota of faith that I had. I was angry, depressed and envious of all the new moms around me. Then one day I gave up with my own obsession to be a mom. I figured if it was meant to happen, then it would happen. I put it in God's hands and let it go. I had finally decided that I would let myself be happy in different aspects of my life. I went back to being the greatest Aunt and Godmother that I could be to my friends kids. I met a man, after being together for quite sometime we talked about having kids. My exact words to him were, "Good luck with that, I can't have kids" Doctors had completely given up on my womb. My man looked me in my eyes and told me with the straightest face ever, "I'm going to put a baby in your belly." I laughed and went on about my day. We tried for months, many, many months. It had gotten to the point where sex was scheduled down to the minute due to what this app said, what the next test said... Looking back at that time of my life..I still can't believe we had lost our passion and replaced it one goal. It took a large toll on our relationship. I was argumentative, spiteful really. I realized my relationship was important to me and I didn't want us to lose focus on our love. Roughly a month after sex went from being a chore to being something we did, simply because we found each other irresistible, I found out that I was pregnant. Sorry for getting long winded, I just want to show you, from my own experience that you're not alone. It will happen for you. Just don't let it be your main focus. Focus on the love you have for your man. Don't bottle up your emotions, talk about it..even if you don't think he understands how if feels so much worse for you...talk to him. I wish you both the best and send tons of prayers for conception and that big fat positive on the next pregnancy test.

MLbA ..:TigerLilliesRain:.. ⋅ January 15, 2018

Thank you. The front page is full of obliviously pregnant women; it's really nice to hear from someone who understands, though I wish you didn't have to go through all that.

I would like to focus my energy elsewhere, but I'm finding it hard to be present in my old life when I am so very ready to be onto the next stage. Trying to keep the TTC stuff simple for now, so as not to obsess, but we're still both so anxious, so impatient. We do talk. Really the only time we don't is when one of us fears hurting the other. It eventually all comes out though.

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