October 27th, 2013 in "Waiting for my Petrichor"

So last week I find out that Dave has been talking to an ex....(I went on his FB and read the messages). Part of me was shocked and the other part of me relieved that now I didn't have to be the only "bad one". It was him too. I posted something on FB to get his attention and sure enough he calls me and races home from school. We end up having a big long talk and then we go out for drinks. I just tell him everything about Tony (well not everything just basically that he is obsessed with me and he goes to tell me that he knew that because of how often he likes stuff on my facebook and how apparently he had grabbed my ass in front of him when i was drunk one night) and I also told him about Rodney. Well he tells me he "knew all along" and that he "isn't stupid" and he seemed really pissed off. He kept saying I was disgusting, how could he look at me again, how could he live in the same apartment as me.....blah blah. I thought in my head, if he really "knew the whole time" why is he blowing up now? To make things even more complicated and confusing, we get home from having said drinks and ....have sex. Totally weird. Sooooooooo I basically told him I had no feelings for Rodney and that it was just sex (not true)...but I don't want him to know that I actually have feelings for R.

I really don't know what to do from this point forward. I know Dave and I eventually need to get the divorce. It's just not the best time right now....and of course I feel rushed to do it because I know this whole thing is unfair to R. Not that I am going to let R dictate my plans. It's just that I don't have any plans and I don't know what to do. Security/stability wise it would be best to hold off of divorce and stay here with Dave. But for my sanity and happiness, I just don't know if I can do that. Not that we don't get along (we are great roommates) but it is driving me crazy living this double life. All I want is peace and simplicity. No more driving around late at night. No more binge drinking. No more cigarettes. No more stress. No more hotels. Just a nice place to live. With a person who makes me happy. And Jasper of course.