August 14th, 2013 in "Waiting for my Petrichor"

Well a lot has been going on. I barely use my laptop so I never update like I should! But I got a new job at the Yard House and I had orientation yesterday. Basically it was just a bunch of corporate BS that lasted four hours!! Like "This is what you could get fired for" "This is what you need to do to report harassment" "You cannot do this. This. Or this." Blahblahblah....I was happy to get out of there and I am glad the BS part is over and I can get on with training! Which starts tomorrow. I have been trying to study the menu but there is so much stuff! A girl that used to work at the Fern showed up and apparently was hired for bartender position so hey at least I know the bartender. I am hoping to eventually move up to bartender but then again, I don't know if I would want to bartend at a corporate place where we have to do pour tests all the frikin time.

My last day at the Fern was Sunday and it was bittersweet. I will really miss 90% of the members there and of course working with all of my friends. My favorite member whom I call Blazy invited me to a party so I told him I would be there. It was at a really nice house right next to the ocean and Doc was there too. The owner's name was Van and he was really awesome. He BBQed and we watched the fireworks (It was Beverly homecoming)...I wanted to keep up with the guys drinking so I ended up drinking eight beers through the course of the night and I was obviously feeling tipsy. Blazy invited me to some Ipswich tour in September so I really hope we can go on that! He is this crazy British dude that is around 60 years old and always makes me laugh with his crazy stories. Doc is a dentist and his wife is a psychic. I asked Doc if he knew someone that could take out my wisdom teeth for cheap and he said he will hook it up for me so I hope that works out! Around ten I ended up calling Tony to come pick me up. Blazy wanted to meet the guy who cooks his food (Tony is a cook at the Fern) and so they ended up meeting. Some dude named Sean was in the car and I realized I was already pretty drunk so I had to act sober to get into the bar we ended up at so they wouldn't cut me off right away like they did last time we tried to drink together. Tony and I sat down next to each other and I ordered another beer.....then we just started talking and talking and I couldn't even recall everything that was said, but I knew what was happening. And now that everything has been said and is out in the open I am so confused. I know there is a line and I just don't know whether or not it will be crossed. But the door is now open. Around 1 in the morning Dave came to pick me up and I blacked out the rest of the night.

I knew I had to talk to T sober and clear my mind. I was so confused and couldn't stop thinking about what was said vs. what I forgot was said or what wasn't said.......we met up today at Chili's and I was shaking so badly. I've always been myself around him and now I feel so nervous because of the door that was opened. I tried to relax, and I could tell he was also very nervous. We had a good chat and I know we are both on the same page. I am just scared because I may have been the push he needed to leave his home situation and I don't know if that is a good or a bad thing yet......

I just can't believe all of this is happening and part of me is glad it is out but the other part wants to close it because of how nervous it has made me around him. He says he doesn't want to do anything that will jeopardize our friendship and that he cares about me so much. I told him I just am so confused. What kind of feelings exactly do I have? How exactly do I see him? What do I feel? I just really don't think the line will be crossed any time soon. Especially seeing how nervous and shaky I am now after only a simple conversation!