April 22nd, 2013 in "Waiting for my Petrichor"

I've hated this month. Sometimes I am tired of being strong.

Jasper finally seems to be doing better. This morning was pretty bad so after class I took him back to the vet. Rena came with me and the doctor took an x-ray of his stomach. He has inflammation in his lower intestines and a lot of gas pockets. She thinks it may be due to a changed diet/over-eating. Jasper has been getting pretty fat lately and Rena and Jeff did change his diet and have been giving him a lot of extra treats. I really don't like them giving him SO much stuff. Like steak tips, chicken, etc. He is only 9 pounds. He is not like their big dogs! And now his intestines are messed up and it has cost me $600 in vet bills this week. At least we finally know the source of the pain and the reason why and he is now on medication to fix the problem. The doctor is going to call back on Thursday to check on him, and for the time being he is on a special diet to help fix his GI. I really hope Rena and Jeff can retain from giving him scraps and treats.

Last week was one of the toughest weeks. Beginning with the bombings in Boston, and ending with the second suspect found hiding in a boat behind someone's back yard....I didn't realize how much I was on edge about the whole thing until it was over. And even now, I don't feel like it is over. I am constantly finding myself frightened if someone is walking too close to me or if I see a guy that resembles the suspect they kept posting all over the news.

The other night I had quite the alcoholic episode. It has just been a tough month. I have not had a day off work/school in forever. V and I ended up getting off of work at the same time on Saturday so we went to her house to finish our arts and crafts project and of course had a few drinks. Well I brought over an entire bottle of Captain and I ended up drinking way too much. It was weird because when I was at her house I didn't feel like I was going overboard, but as soon as she dropped me off I felt the room spin and I decided to lay down. Well Rena ended up waking me up around 10 and I was so out of it. She kept asking me how Jasper was and for some reason I kept telling her I gave Jasper some captain morgan. She was like Natalie? WHAT are you talking about? I kind of snapped to and told her I didn't feel good. She said she noticed I had some Captain (Jeff had bought me the bottle the day before). I went out in the kitchen to look at the bottle and a ton of it was gone. I literally had no memory of drinking that much and I know no one else drank any of it. I looked at my phone and apparently I had called Dave 8 times. There was throw up in my trash can next to my bed and my alarm clock had the wrong time on it. I have never been so confused!! I was still clearly drunk and could not figure out how to set my alarm. I knew I had to wake up at 5 in the morning the next day and I didn't understand why I would have drank so much knowing I had to work the breakfast shift. I was so mad at myself. I had to ask Rena to help me set my clock and for the rest of the night I was getting up multiple times to throw up. Finally it was 5 and I knew I had to get up and take a shower and get to work. I was really freaked out driving to work because I still felt drunk. Needless to say it was a horrible shift and I really want to take a break from drinking...at least until Dave gets back because I never want to get out of control like that again. It seriously freaked me out.

As for Dave and I, we are doing really good. I think the distance has helped us. After everything going on this month, I have never missed him more! I didn't realize how much I truly need him, especially during hard times. This past week I have found myself just sitting in my car (which has become my sanctuary ) and I have been really trying to feel happy again. I want all this crap to end. I want Jasper to feel better. Dave to come home. Us to get our own place. The semester to be over with. To start saving money again. (I now have about 300 bucks to my name) yet I work my fucking ass off. I'm just sick and tired of having to be strong. All I want to do is pull the covers over my head and turn my alarm clock off for good.

And I still have to get through May.