February 19th, 2013 in "Waiting for my Petrichor"

Class was cancelled today. I definitely was in no mood to sit through a three hour class today, especially while on my pain meds, so I am kind of glad it was....BUT I did drive all the way there and it was supposed to be test review for our text next class...so kinda peeved at that. I know she has a hectic life and the past couple classes has had to leave early for a "client who is severely depressed and cutting herself"...(my psych teacher is also a therapist). Anyway, about my PAIN. Holy shit. Have I mentioned I HATE the dentist? I just want all this shit over with, you have no idea. I have never even heard of such bullshit. Not only did my root canal take two 2 hour appointments, but now to actually get the permanent crown on, it took 4 hours and I did not even get the crown ON. I arrived at 2 and they had to do "post and core build up" ...basically put a post inside for support and make sure the area is in a good position to support the crown so it actually lasts for years. I had to have this huge thing jammed in my mouth that not only holds my tongue back, but suctions and keeps my mouth open as wide as possible. This was in there for four hours straight, I thought I was going to cry. I just sat there trying to imagine myself elsewhere and counting to 60 over and over again. Why oh why could they not have put me out!? Sigh. So by the time 6 rolls around he is like, "This has been a nightmare and there is no way I am going to get the crown on tonight." They have a special machine that makes the crown right then and there after taking all these fancy pictures that finds the exact measurements. He told me my gums were bleeding so bad that it made it almost impossible to do the work necessary. He had to take a laser and burn off parts of my gum. They hurt so bad right now and the entire area around my tooth is black. He ended up putting on a temp crown and told me to come back at 7:30a.m the next day to have the perm crown put on. All I wanted to do was race out of there and cry and never come back! But they gave me some advil and I made it home without a tear. Then I get a call saying they aren't going to have the crown ready and they'd call me back when they did ....(Still no word on it...) And all of this was only the FIRST tooth! I still have at least three more to do. (I am starting to think about saying fuck it to re-doing all six). I think back to when I was younger and how my parents took me to that awful dentist who FUCKED up all of my teeth and how if only he hadn't done this I would be okay and not going through any of this today..and I get so mad! But you know what, there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. The past is the past, and this is what it is and I am thankful I have found a good dentist I can trust to fix the damage done and get my teeth/gums healthy again! Meanwhile, I am just taking my vicodin that I had saved from my root canal (keep in mind the actual root canal was MUCH less painful than this). I am so depressed over this, you have no idea. I have a small mirror that I keep checking my teeth in. Every time I look at them I want to cry. It seems like everything I "suffer consequences" for in life is always to the most extreme. But you know what, times like this remind me how thankful I am to have Dave. He still tells me I am the most beautiful girl in the world and that he loves me. And all I do is point at my teeth and ask him HOW anyone could ever think I was beautiful. Since class was cancelled, I went home and wrote the essay due next week. I was definitely not proud of the results of that essay, but I'm not going to stress. I have bigger fish to fry than a two page essay on gerontology. Dave made some mac n cheese and I took a much needed two hour nap. Then we watched this really good movie we got from Red Box called "Jeff, who lives at home". Some really good actors in it, and it was definitely a "Natalie movie". It was about seeing signs and following them and how everything happens for a reason. I've been really emotional this week (I blame it for being that time of the month!) but the movie brought tears to my eyes, very beautiful and I am glad I can say I "think like Jeff" about this life.