November 21st, 2012 in "Waiting for my Petrichor"

Dave has been acting so lazy lately. He seems to be in some sort of depression and it is affecting our relationship. I know he doesn't like the fact that he isn't working and he is only going to school....and I don't like the fact that I am only working and not going to school. So both of us are not exactly where we want to be in life, but know there isn't a way around it at the moment. He has a hard time getting his homework done because he "forgets" about it. Or "doesn't think it is necessary". So obviously his grades have gone down. I'm not going to be his mother. I just ignore it because that is his problem and he should know what he should and shouldn't do by now.

Nights have been difficult because I am not good with boredom. I constantly feel like I am carsick if I am just sitting around watching TV all night doing nothing. I need to be out and about, getting things done or having fun with friends or drinking a beer at the bar. Dave gets mad that I always have to be doing something and get bored a lot. He says it must be because I am so used to "drinking and doing drugs", referring to my past in California. I don't know if that is true, but it could be.

It gets dark really early now, around 4:30 and work has been really slow. If I get off around 6:30 I hate having to go home and sit around doing nothing. If Dave and I do anything, we walk to the bar across the street and hang out with our favorite bartenders Clay and Tammy. But usually we just stay home and he tries to get some homework done and I will go to bed early like around 8:30 just because I am so bored and I will lay in bed reading for a couple hours.

Needless to say, I haven't been very happy. Dave has been in his depression, and we both got into it last night. He never ever ever opens up with me and it drives me crazy. He rarely communicates with me and if he does it is about his brewing project or he will go into detail about every single thing he did that day or what things people said to him. Sometimes I just want to talk about LIFE or FEELINGS. I don't know. So last night he opened up and was telling me he just feels like he has to be a father to me because I don't know how to take care of myself because my parents were fucked up and didn't teach me the basic things in life and I can't even do paperwork myself and it is the reason he never wants to have sex with me. He says he just don't know how to make me happy. He feels like he can't be himself and it is affecting everything.

I was just like... Wow. So if I wasn't in the picture you would be happy? He was like no that isn't what I mean, I just think we need to work on our marriage and make some changes. I think we just need a break from each other. I might go back to Washington for awhile and just do the OTA program there at Green River. It will take six semesters. I told him to just think of it as "a deployment". I need some time away from this place. I was thinking about it and I really have not met -anyone- like the people I met in Washington. I've lived here for almost a year and don't have anyone I would call a "close friend". After a year in Washington I had a TON of people I'd call close friends. It is just different here and I don't like it and don't want to just "get used to it". I know what I'd have in Washington, and I want that. I could work at a country club in Washington and live with roommates until I finish the degree. At least I'd be coming back here with something. I could work as an OTA and then transfer to Salem's OT program. All without having to deal with North Shore's crap and being able to live in Washington for awhile by myself! I think it is a good idea. We will see what happens.