Things Are Difficult in Finding Me

I went to write this entry and a wave hit me like a ton of bricks. I knew I was feeling the beginning of it but woah it really slammed down. Feels like my head is so heavy. Those few weeks without a depressive episode were nice. It’s back to normal now.

Death and destruction; two words that have been very constant in my thoughts recently. Even while I was doing okay they were still there, but they were just words with no ideas behind them. Now that the waves are back, ideas are surrounding those two words and making things very difficult. I call them intrusive images. They’re almost like a slideshow; they move in and out so fast. If I succumbed to them, I wouldn’t be here.

I feel like no one gives a shit. I feel like a background character. Someone who could disappear and it wouldn’t really make a difference. I feel like I have no one to talk to when I’m feeling this way. The past month I think I’ve been subconsciously convincing myself that I’m alone and can’t open up to anyone.

I don’t want to be me.

I feel like I have more to say but I can’t get it out. I don’t think it matters anyway. Maybe this is just pointless.