until the salt runs out in 2017

3:59pm

I have been trying to write for a long time now. I keep opening and closing this page without putting down any real words. Like I think I’m ready to say things and then nothing comes out. My mind goes blank, I lose any ounce of motivation I thought I had, and I walk away from it again.

I’m going to try again today though. I’ve made it past the first paragraph so I’ll count that as major progress.

Actually, I started a draft like two and a half weeks ago [after Thanksgiving] and had every intention of coming in here within a couple of days to turn the bullet notes into full on sentences. And I did come back, except all I did was add more bullets over the next few days with the last update on like the 30th. I don’t even know how that much time passed because I feel like I just started the whole thing yesterday.

Oh well. That’s just how life goes some times.

Honestly, I’ve been having a really hard time lately. This year has turned out to be one of the least enjoyable years I’ve had in a long time. I can’t remember the last time I felt this depressed. Maybe back in like my moody teenage years or something. It’s just been terrible to live with.

It’s not even all about everything I went through earlier this year, although that does play a significant role in it. Some weird notion of humanity was shattered inside of me early in the year and I haven’t been able to recover from it. I’ve always been one of these people that sees the good in everyone. That knows this world isn’t only about the death and destruction we see on TV. There is a lot of good out there that no one talks about. But this year I realized that there really aren’t a lot of people out there that say what they mean and mean what they say.

I’ve noticed it’s not just me either. I read about it around here too. People complaining about others lack of follow through and how people aren’t really honest and straightforward.

I don’t get it and maybe that’s why it has hurt so much. Because it seems like such a basic concept. Why lie? What do you possibly get out of making stuff up? It’s not even big lies either. It’s silly stuff like saying you want to go out with someone again when you really don’t. What’s the point in that? Just say you’re not interested and walk away. Don’t drag it out for days or weeks and then disappear. It’s not fair to anyone!

And that’s the stuff that seems so damn simple to me and I can’t understand why there are so many people that don’t follow that basic principle. What am I missing?? What is it that makes any of that make sense!?

So I guess my point is that when you learn that people do this [and not just one person but a lot of people!] and you start to look at the entire world that way it makes you a total cynic. At least it has for me. Which is crazy because I’d already kinda considered myself cynical but I guess I didn’t know the true meaning of it. Or I hadn’t really let it cloud my view on the world. It was just this background thing that kept me from getting too close to people. Now I actually look at everyone through this mindset and it’s crushing me. I don’t like feeling this way. =|

On top of that though I’ve been in a lot of physical pain lately. Since that trip to Vegas when my hip started bothering me. It hasn’t really gone away. The miracle pills helped but they would sometimes make me feel nauseous and like I was high. It made me feel like I didn’t have total control of my body and I didn’t like that at all so I stopped.

I don’t really know what else to do. There have been mornings where I can barely stand up and take a step. A few nights ago when I woke up at 3:30am having to pee and unable to really get my legs to function, I was a complete mess. Like is this really what my life’s going to be like? I’m going to end up having an accident because I can’t get my own damn legs to work enough to get me to the bathroom that’s literally less than 15 steps away. I hated that feeling. It’s so easy to take some thing like walking for granted. I’ve been dealing with this for a long time but even at my worst 10 years ago I don’t remember it being this bad.

sidenote: I think I might have actually pulled some thing or torn some thing in my upper right thigh because this isn’t a feeling I’ve had before or that I can explain in any other way. But no, I have not gone to the doctor yet. I have an appointment in January and it’s not like they can do much for a pull/tear anyway.

So yeah, life’s been kicking me while I’m down and I’m hurting real bad. To the point where I feel like I’m starting to lose my faith in life. I know it’s because I’m depressed though and I try to remind myself of this fact every time I’m cursing at the Universe for treating me this way. It’s just hard to feel any differently about it. Because it feels like I’m paying for something really terrible I did wrong but I can’t think of what that could be. I always try to be so good. To look at life through other’s eyes. To see all sides of a situation. To be kind and honest and trustworthy. But none of that seems to do me any good and I think about that when I’m in pain and it makes me feel worse.

I do know that most of this will pass. I am going to chalk it up to a bad year and try to move on. I know I’ll eventually move on from all of these feelings and emotions. I know that time will in fact heal all of my wounds.

It’s just that right now it feels like someone is walking by every few minutes and pouring exceptional amounts of salt into them just to see if it still stings.

rose.
4:42pm

p.s. none of this was in the draft btw, but it’s an entry and maybe it’ll lead to more writing before too much time passes. I needed to get it all out anyway…