Handle With Care in Finding Me

‘I was afraid of you when I first met you’

Genuinely, I’m probably one of the nicest people you’ll meet, but I put up this cold front with anyone new or when things go wrong. Like I don’t care at all. Or like I’m some sort of bad bitch. LOL. I am basically a kitten. Confrontation is hard for me. Sticking up for myself is extremely difficult. However, when it comes to others, I go into full protective mode if I see anyone getting hurt. I’m a caring person. But now, as much as I hate to admit this, I’m having trouble taking care of myself and I need help.

I’ve had to be an adult since I was about 9 years old. I swear my parents only had kids so we could take care of them. I only know how to take care of myself. I only know how to take care of other people. I don’t know how to be cared for. My coworker made me a lunch the other day because I’m broke and I cried on my way home for break.

I live my life by ‘having’ to do things. I do this because I have to. Do that because I have to. If I didn’t, I would fall apart and become one with my bed.

So when someone breaks through my ‘they don’t care’ wall, oh my god everything goes crazy. My paranoia intensifies. I become so scared they’re going to leave, so I become the pleaser. And it’s draining, but I can’t stop. I want to take care of them. I want to make sure they’re happy, even if it makes me feel horrible. As long as they’re happy....

But I think I’m ready to have a sign on my back that says ‘handle with care.’ I am falling apart. I feel like my soul is dying. I don’t want to be tough anymore. I don’t want to hold myself together. I feel like I’m losing this battle with myself and I can’t win it alone.

Man if this isn’t the biggest cry for help then I don’t know what is.

Last updated December 06, 2017