Today Was Okay in Finding Me

I am going to do this entry a little differently. I feel like I have a lot to say but I’ll forget it all tonight.

11:30 am- I’m sitting out back of my work smoking a cigarette trying my best to make this day a good day. Last night I did end up going over to my friends for the girls night. It was fun and I’m glad I went. The people that were there were very genuine and open. I want to be that way. I had half a glass of wine, smoked a little, then went home after a few hours. Would’ve stayed and drank more, but had to be up by 7 am for work.

Paranoia is scratching at the back of my head. Why you ask? Because I’m gonna ask my best friend to hangout. Why does that make me paranoid?!?! Because my mind sucks. ‘She hates you.’ ‘She doesn’t want you in her life.’ ‘You don’t matter to her.’ My therapist tells me to find the evidence. I can find negative evidence in everything. It feels SO real. Even if I’m reassured otherwise. I have to find the perfect time to ask or else my anxiety will go crazy. She’s sleeping right now, she works overnights. So usually every Monday after she gets off work we hangout since I’m off and I’m able to sleep early Sunday nights and wake up in time. If I text her now, I’ll worry until she replies. So I’m just gonna wait until I know she’s awake before work.

It’s taken me 45 minutes to get to this point. My coworker and I are watching space videos on his phone because work is so dead. I want to have a good day!

1:45 pm- that stupid rapist Christmas song ‘baby it’s cold outside’ is playing right now. Depression started to poke out about 10 minutes ago. I have to fight. I want to have a good day.

4:20 pm- blaze ittttt.

Same coworker I was watching space videos with is serious about destroying things. The past couple of days we’ve just been talking about setting a tarp down in his garage and just literally destroying dishes, his old tv, etc. I think it would be very beneficial to both of us lol.

6:35 pm - final cigarette of the work shift, soon my weekend will be here!! It was a little busy but nothing overwhelming. The best friend said yes to hanging out tomorrow so I’m happy about that :) I started off the second part of my double not really okay, but I’m a little better now. Roommates got dinner ready too! This day will be good!

8:00 pm- cheeeeers to the freakin weekend!!!! Just ate dinner, now relaxing. I have to try to be asleep by 10 pm. Wish I could get drunk as fuck but I’m probably just gonna smoke to pass out. My body is already craving chocolate. I feel like Pavlov’s dog. The second I even think of smoking, I want chocolate.

Today was okay. I know I kept saying I want it to be good but hey, okay is better than not. I’m grading it as that because of all the up and downs with the paranoia and depression. Maybe tomorrow will be okay too. That would be nice.