Up and Down in Finding Me

Late last night I cried to the one person I probably shouldn’t have. But he listened. I cried and said way too much. It was either that or disappear.

I woke up feeling a little better. However I’ve been experiencing a lot of paranoia. Or maybe not? Maybe it IS reality. I don’t know. I don’t think my best friend and I are okay but I don’t know why? We were completely fine then bam, barely speaking at all. She said everything’s okay, but still. Idk.

When I got to the second part of my double today there were 5 people. I told my manager there was no need for me to be there, and he said I could leave. I have one more day before my ‘weekend.’ One more day. I can do it.

Currently at one of my friends house waiting on dinner. There’s 3 people in the kitchen already, so I’m just sitting in the living room waiting. Another friend of mine wants me to come over later for a girls night of wine and pjs and movies. I said yes earlier, but now I’m not really feeling it.

All I can think about is self destruction. I want to go home and give into my urges.