Answers!!! More questions??? in Finding Me

I made a similar entry earlier but I deleted it because I wanted to add more.

My last therapy session answered a huge question for me. After doing my research and reading others’ stories, I’ve never felt more satisfied with an explaination. At first I was thinking ‘You’re happy?! You’re THANKFUL for this??’ But I shut those thoughts down super fast. I’m not thankful or happy to have experienced this, I’m RELIEVED I have an answer.

All my life, especially within the last few years, I’ve felt like some sort of error. With the way my thoughts work, the way I trust people, the way I communicate my feelings and experiences, I felt so wrong. I was defective. I’ve said that word ‘error’ to my therapist several times. 404 error. Me. Why was I this way? Why was I so scared? Why did I feel so small?

Childhood emotional neglect. All my life I knew there had been neglect and verbal/emotional abuse from my parents. That wasn’t a surprise. The surprise was CEN. The surprise that it was an actual thing that had actual effects on a person’s whole being. Is this why I think I’m a terrible person? Is this why I feel like every single thing that goes wrong is my fault? Is this why I feel like I can never open up to someone? Why I feel so disconnected from people? So many more questions. So much more time between the next session.

My head is spinning.

The negative thoughts are pretty prominent tonight. I haven’t eaten a proper meal in like 4 days. I’m so hungry but I just don’t have the money. I work overtime but everything is too much. Cigarettes are more important to me I guess. I’m stressed because my roommate quit her job and doesn’t have another one yet. I can’t cover both of our costs.

I’ll end this on a happy note. Work started playing Christmas music. Yay :)