the journey is a mystery in Random Thoughts

When I have shared with you what i need and who i am in this relationship, what i hear is that it is not enough or is somehow wrong (with words like “right now you are unwilling to [share more of yourself, make this a more serious relationship, invite me to dinners with your roommate]” or “right now you are unable to [be more intimate, make me a part of your life, post pictures of us on facebook]”).

I have not misrepresented myself or been untruthful. I asked for the pacing to be slow because i wanted to give us a try. You consistently had adverse emotional reactions to what i needed in our relationship. It was never enough.

I am an emotional and intuitive person. Communication, or putting what i feel into words has been my journey over the past couple years. I’ve gotten good at it. I’ve been open and sharing with Clay these whole few months that we have been dating. Every once in a while he would get really upset about something and we would problem solve. But....I asked I kept having these intense backlash kind of emotions, kind of like stubbornness, kind of like i was feeling that something was wrong. I felt pressured all the time. I couldn’t tell what was wrong. I just felt like i was not being understood, that my communications and emotions were not valid.

I’ve worked on trying to take these almost intense backlash of emotions i get in response to Clay, getting it down to communicable reasons why. I think its because i have been clear with what i want and need from us, but it has never been right or enough. He constantly wants more or is upset that i won’t [all the things mentioned in brackets above].

As a result, i have been a little more reserved [believe me, i am not an emotionally reserved person!!!], but pretty much that is because i was afraid that if my actions were misinterpreted as being more interested in him than i am, or seen as being more “LTR” in that moment (versus working toward that slowly, which is what i was asking for the whole time).

Arg. Ugh. It’s taken so many days of just being sad and having him continually push me when i needed time to just sit with how i feel. We were supposed to take a 2 week break and he was pressuring me to “choose” less than a week later.

And now we get to talk about it tonight.

Last updated November 27, 2017