Metanoia in Finding Me

I spent way too much time figuring out a username for myself. From anonymity to truth. From me, to who I want to be. I don’t know why it matters so much, but it does. Metanoia; in short, to change oneself.

I started this because I am told if I write my thoughts, I might be able to express them better verbally. I have a very hard time speaking about anything that means anything to me. This suggestion was brought out by my therapist, and it’s taken me a few months to actually go through with it. My day seemed important enough to finally do this.

The day didn’t start too well. Woke up about 10 am still with a headache from the night before. Tried so many remedies, but I had to deal with it for a few more hours. Took a nap around 2 pm and woke up around 4, and finally the headache was gone. Anyway, not too interesting of a beginning, however that changed drastically.

I started feeling ‘okay,’ which was kind of strange considering the morning I had. I smoked a few cigarettes before being awake enough to go get some food. I was so hungry after not eating for over 24 hours. After I ate, I wrote. I wrote another chapter to a book I’m writing that I haven’t touched in years. So many pages, a whole chapter in one night! I still can’t believe it. I have no idea where the motivation came from but I’m so happy it came! After that, I read 70 pages in a book I’ve been meaning to read. I think it’s been over a year since I’ve read a proper book, so that was huge for me as well. I was having good thoughts. I cherished them and didn’t let anything push the motivation aside.

It’s almost 4 am now. I still feel slightly accomplished for what I’ve achieved today, but the fog is setting in. I’m not tired. Took something to cause that. But oh well, I wanted to stay awake. I think it’s stopping the heaviness for now, but I feel it pushing. Maybe I can last the rest of the time without it breaking through. That would be really nice.

Last updated November 27, 2017