[un]connected in 2017

3:57pm

It’s almost Thanksgiving time. =D I’m excited. Mostly because I’m ready to eat and drink the day away. haha.

The holiday’s never really been a big deal around here since we don’t have a lot of family and they’re spread out over the country. In recent years we’ve started getting together with our group of friends. We used to go to a random casino just Mom and I, or travel somewhere else, but it’s been nice to stay home and hang out. Last year was at our house and this year is back at our friend’s house about an hour away. We were there two years ago too.

They all used to go out to eat at a fancy restaurant but that’s not really our thing so we’d stopped going. Then it turns out that a couple of the other families didn’t really enjoy going either so they started staying around like us and we turned it into a local thing. I like that it’ll be at someone else’s house this year. First of all that means I don’t have to clean the house or stress about having people over and organizing. But also they have a much bigger house than we do. As much as I absolutely love my house, it’s tiny compared to the newer ones that everyone else has. I don’t like trying to stick everyone into our small living room, although everyone does always say it feels really comfortable and homey. That’s nice, but I still like going somewhere else. Plus I don’t have to clean up after either! haha.

I enjoy hosting but I usually take over and host at other houses too since I know where every thing’s at, so that part doesn’t matter much. When there are a lot of people around I need a task to keep me busy. It gets me away from people and keeps me from having to make a ton of small talk with strangers. It also gives me space to run away for a while if I need to. Over the years I’ve discovered this to be the best way to get through these kinds of functions. Especially if a lot of strangers are involved. I can do my part to show up and the person I’m with gets to enjoy their time too without me hovering or wanting to leave quickly. It’s been a great discovery honestly! With this little Thanksgiving group I’m totally fine but if any “outsiders” come I start to get anxious. Welcome to the life of an Introvert!

It should be a good time though. We’re in charge of side dishes and we’ve got a couple recipes that sound really good. We are kinda experimenting with new stuff but it’s ok. This group isn’t that particular. We’ve even decided to try a recipe JR gave me over the phone the other day after looking it up. It’s called funeral potatoes and it sounds like it’ll work perfect for Thanksgiving in place of the mashed potatoes. Something different. I’ll be sure to give JR a tiny bit of credit if it comes out good. ;)

Speaking of JR: he kept trying to get me to go have a drink with him last night. I was having a super stressful day since I’d just gone through office setup [so the dumb corp girl would stop bugging us even though it’s not due until Dec 1st] and turns out our printer wasn’t compatible with the new windows. At least that’s what I thought and I tried everything to get it to work but I was hating life by the end of the day.

Anyway, I did eventually get it figured out but I still wanted a strong stiff drink when I got home. JR kept asking but I kept saying no. I didn’t want to go to the “fancy” place in town and I wasn’t going to show up with him to the dive bar. He even said that people would assume he was cheating on his girl. Even more because the people that hang there don’t know me and it would turn into drama. Turns out later that she was out of town, and he was mad at her [calling her a bitch, which is when I excused myself from the convo] so the wanting to go get a drink with me made a lot more sense. Honestly, I would have gone but at the end of a long day like that I just want to go home, put on my sweats, and relax on the couch with a drink. I don’t want to go out and interact with people, especially with the aforementioned potential for drama. No thank you. You go deal with your own drama at home! Probably shouldn’t have made the stupid decisions that got you to this in the first place. Ok. Bye =]

Sorry that was a rant towards JR, obviously. He’s a moron sometimes. And I’m not getting dragged into it.

I’m actually at work right now, and I probably could have done actual work, but that’s ok. We here behind closed doors because there were some papers that needed taken care of. I did sort my mail, and all my email accounts, and some bank stuff, plus made sure we passed our setup checks. So hey, not too bad! I don’t feel so guilty typing this up. :)

I have had this weird feeling running through me today though and I want to document it. [Feel free to skip this pointless boy talk section.]
It’s just this connected feeling to the Sheriff and I don’t even know why. I thought about him after I woke up this morning, but that’s not really anything new. I can’t seem to convince my mind to shut up and move on so it’s pretty much an every day occurrence to have those thoughts. Today feels different though, at least this afternoon has. It’s been this feeling of connection like he’s near here, or something.

This used to happen all the time with TF. Like right before he was going to show up in my life again for one reason or another. Maybe we’d find a letter the next day, or a message on the machine, or he’d stop by. It was always so strange the way it happened and I’d be able to connect it afterwards like “ahh, now the feeling makes sense!”

I don’t think that’s what this is though. I don’t expect to hear from the Sheriff until at least April [if at all]. He’s not going to reply to an email that’s over a month old. And I don’t think he comes around town during this part of the year. Unless he was coming to see his grandmother for the holiday or something. I don’t know. It would be too weird.

I think the reality is that it’s just my stupid brain making things up because it refuses to let go. Gotta find a reason to convince me to hold on right? I’ve never had that connection with him anyways and I don’t see why it would start now. It’s just that twisted part of me that’s trying to cling to some crazy hope. One that doesn’t necessarily exist.

That’s ok though. I thought I’d document it anyway and continue on. The feeling was there, whatever it was, and I can’t deny that part so who knows. Maybe some day I’ll figure out the connection, or maybe I won’t. It doesn’t really matter.

I’m home now. I’ve been home for a long time. There were a lot of distractions though, like eating and tv watching. ;) A really good new recipe of chicken rolled with cheese/cream cheese and wrapped in bacon. It was delicious. We also finished pre-prepping most of the stuff for tomorrow. I keep forgetting tomorrow is Thanksgiving. It feels like I should have another day in-between. I think I’ll try to get to bed earlier so I can wake up and get stuff done before we head out. Not sure that’ll actually happen but it’s on the to-do list. hah. Also, I may or may not have peeked at his fb about 10 minutes ago. It’s hard to be sure. =] But if it were true I might say that nothing has changed and there’s nothing new to report.

sigh Some day this isn’t going to feel this way, right?

I keep going back and forth on whether or not I want him to actually show back up this year. And/or what I’ll do if he does. Quiet and kind? My usual sarcastic self? I guess I’ll figure it out if it comes up huh? There’s a part of me that feels like April can’t come soon enough. But I’m not trying to rush it. Life moves way too fast on its own already. I certainly don’t want to speed it up!

rose.
10:51pm