seems to me like I'm just scared of never feeling it again in 2017

3:26pm

I’m at work so I figured I’d kill a little time and type up some updates. Nothing too crazy going on. Same ol’ life stuff mostly. Same constant noise in my mind. I seriously need to pick up a hobby or something new to focus on. Maybe there’s a cute guy out there that would like to distract me…wait…that’s what got me into this mess in the first place isn’t it? =|

My hip started hurting in the wee hours of the morning. I haven’t been taking the pills consistently because I’d prefer not to take them at all, but apparently I need them. I could feel it progressively getting more and more difficult to rotate in bed and knew something was up. By morning I could barely stand because my knees were swollen and my hip was locking up again. It’s such a pain to deal with. I decided to take my regular pills with breakfast and then about an hour and a half ago I took the miracle drug here at work.

That might not have been my best idea. I think it got me a little high. haha. Whoops =\ I had a similar reaction the first time I took it but I’ve had four more since then and nothing happened. Must have had something to do with how much food was in my system. When I started feeling weird I went to the back to have a snack. [Avocado on toast, peanuts, and some apple juice] I probably should not be working though. At least it’s quiet and I don’t have to deal with a lot of people. I’m avoiding them as best I can just in case I say something dumb. hah. Not that I’ve lost control of myself but I definitely feel my head floating.

I’m tempted to stay late tonight to run office setup and get it over with. I haven’t decided though. Normally I’m so hungry by six o’clock that I want nothing more than to run home and stuff my face. I should probably stop skipping lunch too!

Or maybe I’ll just go home and watch Live PD, that sounds like a lot more fun. :-]

So, I’m not going to lie, I creeped on TF’s fb Monday night. -_- Honestly I did it because I wanted to know how the wedding turned out. I didn’t spend that much time on his actual page since it seems pretty private and things don’t get posted, but I did link from there over to his family’s stuff to see if perhaps some pictures had been posted. I know, I know, I’m a creep, but curiosity got the best of me [as it always does!]

Turns out that both of his sisters got married in October. The one that had the traditional wedding and the other that comes in here that just had a quick informal thing. I saw pictures of both but none of them included TF. Ah well! It was worth a shot.

I did find one picture of him that I hadn’t seen and it turns out it was from 2013. haha. Not exactly a true reflection of what he currently looks like. It made me a little worried though about seeing him in person again. I know I’ve written about this a few times before but I just have this feeling that I’m going to fall back into that and I don’t want to. Or I don’t think I want to…

What if he says he’s sorry? What if he says he missed me?! Ahhh I don’t think I could handle that. I want to think I’m strong and over it but if that bright-eyed man with his deep voice stands in front of me and says those words I might not be able to catch myself.

It’s like this constant debate in my head: if the opportunity arose to give him a second chance - is that something I really want to do?

I was so caught up in that, and I understand that a lot of it was raging hormones and attraction between us, but I really thought he was the one. If things had been just a little different I think I would have actually married the guy. My gut feeling was saying that it was right. That he was right.

I’m not a total lunatic though. I get why it didn’t work. I’ve said that a hundred times. He didn’t actually want me. He didn’t make an effort to spend time with me. Which I never understood. Because even if it was only about a physical attraction to me, why wouldn’t he want to hang out? Why’d he stand me up or fail to follow through on making plans with me? That really never made any sense to me.

I just don’t know what I’d do. Would I want to try again? I guess I’m afraid that if I did try again I would want it to be a long-term permanent kinda thing. I’d be looking at it like a forever thing. And I’m not sure that would ever be his intention, or if that’s even a good way to look at this. I just know I’m way too serious to ever do anything casually. As fun [and wild!] as I think things could be between us, I know I could never do that. Some days I really wish I could. haha. I kinda figure if I make it to like 40ish and still single I’d look him up and go crazy. =P

I wish I could get some really clear sign from the Universe that this would be a terrible idea and I should stop even considering it! Alas we don’t tend to get what we want huh? Would be nice though!

The one thing that has always stopped me when I start to think about this possibility is the Sheriff. Which is so strange to me, but it’s hard to control what pops into your head.

I don’t know. I’m annoyed that I’m still having these thoughts about these guys. I guess I don’t have much else going on.

The last couple of days have been rough at night because I keep falling back into this really sad state of mind. I think maybe I’d been denying for so long how hurt I was by what happened that I didn’t let myself experience those feelings. I did the depression, and sadness, and maybe a little bit of anger but not much. I never fully felt all the hurt I had inside.

It’s mostly been about the sheriff and all the words that he said that he didn’t really need to say. I obviously have a hard time dealing with things that don’t make sense to me. It’s hard to make sense of why he came back although I can mostly see some alternative reasons that have nothing to do with me. His words I’ll never understand though. Because there’s a big difference between saying nice things and saying what he said. Like what the hell was the point of saying multiple times that you saved my voicemail messages from a year ago? How can that be explained away? In my mind there’s no other reason to say that to me. Or talking about making dinner. Or asking if I remember you saying you owe me a drink and hunting lessons. None of that makes sense to me in any other way. I can’t explain it by any alternative means!

Maybe it’s just me? Perhaps there’s a perfectly good explanation to all of that but I can’t see it because I’m too caught up in the middle of it. That could make sense. I guess. -_-

Now, convince my late night, mostly un-sober, brain of that and we’d be good to go!! Convince it not to want to sob at the thought of being hurt again the way I was hurt last year. Then we’d be golden.

Probably not where I was going with this. I’m hoping this last client will wrap up quickly and I can go have some dinner. I’m tired today. My mind is tired.

rose.
5:51pm