I appreciate the notes. I really do. Thank you. I know you guys are right, too. I can’t even think of anything to say in response, and I have been trying to. Even just thinking about making an entry, my brain turns to mush.
The townhouse has been empty lately. The terrible roommates went to California somewhere, got stranded, and apparently decided to not come back. I have to find somewhere new to live by the end of the month. It’s nice having a place to myself, but it feels empty. The internet stopped working as soon as they left, and I know they won’t call to get it fixed, so I can’t even play games with my Medford friends. I am saving up for my own place, which I’ve never had. I’d rather not live alone, but there is no one. I don’t want to be at the mercy of strangers again.
Courtney also needs to get a place, and she even said something about us getting one together a while ago. I texted her about it and…no response. I get it. She is struggling too. We hung out a couple weeks ago. Went to karaoke, acted like a couple, talked about how we weren’t suicidal but felt ourselves not caring and being more reckless. She apologized for being so bad about not responding. It is what it is. I wish I didn’t love her, but I do. I wish I could get a place with her so that we could support each other in our struggles and still have our own space, but I guess it isn’t meant to be. I wish she was more consistent, because I know she cares, but I can’t shake that I’m a mere convenience to her. I can tell I’m unraveling at the seams. I told her I loved her that night. I was drunk. I ordered tickets afterward to a The Used show later this month, just because we talked about it. Feels like she won’t end up going. I lost my composure. That NEVER happens. I only let on what I wish, and keep things under the vest. I’m not one of those people that leave clues unless I intend to. Or at least, I used to be.
I just feel like a ghost. Invisible to most who I used to know here. Beholden to the past. Almost all of my interactions are with strangers, once each, for a few minutes before never seeing them again. Instantly forgettable. Even keeping my composure and acting normal takes all of my effort and energy. That used to be easy.
A note said the depression is making me look at the world in a way that isn’t totally real. I realize it is true, I think, for the first time. I don’t know what to do about it. I have no resources right now. All I have is what I can perceive…and if you can’t trust that, what can you trust?
I’m just lost right now. I know there are people who care. Even that I’m not the only one feeling like this. Still, the only one who can fix things is me. The one who can help most is also lost, and everyone else is so far away. I won’t run, though. I won’t go back to Medford. As bad as things have been, I don’t want to give up. I’ll make my stand here. I worked a lot last week, got the 110 rides needed to get the biggest bonus tier Lyft offers. I have enough for a deposit at least. I felt better yesterday, even today…maybe things have bottomed out. The last several weeks have been so rough. There’s not much left to lose, after all, so perhaps things can only improve. As hard as it is to get out of bed, I manage to each day. I’m down to 192 lbs too, so that’s something. I missed one gym day last month, so my new streak is 22 days in a row thus far. It’s a small victory, but right now those count more than usual.