Dying To Say This To You in 2017

I’m in my car, downtown, waiting for a ride. This is often how I end up starting an entry. It’s New Year’s Eve, but somehow slower than usual. It’s been like that all weekend. I’d counted on this night to make up for not working much recently. I’ve had terrible migraines, neck and jaw pain, etc. I’ve been in bed a lot, either sleeping or trying to sleep and being in too much pain to. It would seem my wisdom teeth are coming in. I figured it out Friday night, and nowhere will even see me until Tuesday. A fitting cap for the worst year I’ve experienced.

Courtney never got back to me. Unanswered texts, a call, a voicemail. Only yesterday when I sent her a happy birthday text did she reply(instantly, of course), and then say that she started watching Rick and Morty and it reminded her of me. I’d rather she not have said anything. After all that we had been through, and what I was going through, and her being closer and knowing more than anyone, she couldn’t be bothered to put in any amount of effort. I’m just Rick and Morty dude. I’ve never had someone so callously and coldly turn their back on me without reason. No one has ever hurt me so much. Two months of pretending I don’t exist. I won’t ever let someone in like that again. No matter how close you are to someone, they might turn their back on you. That’s the nature of free will. As painful as it can be, it’s the only way. Ultimately, outside of legal contracts and laws, no one owes anyone anything. Doesn’t matter what you’ve done for them. Apparently I needed another reminder of that.

At this point, I’m done being sad. It just makes me furious thinking about it. I don’t even want to hear excuses or an explanation, or to see her again. Shouldn’t be hard, seems like she turned her back on the whole group of friends, considering she no-showed Becca’s baby shower without a word and is always posting shit on Instagram of going out with whatever other people.

My old friend Anna, who I hadn’t seen in a year, inquired about the extra ticket to the Used show meant for Courtney. We had a deep, hours long conversation, just like the ones we used to have, and ended up just skipping the show to talk more since she wasn’t familiar with the band and I only got tickets to go with Courtney.

That was great. We made plans to hang out again, she stood me up, apologized, and then stopped responding to my texts.

Whenever stuff like that happens, I just feel like Jim from The Office, turning to the camera and making that bemused face.

I just feel bitter now. Far more than before. This is how people are. So self-indulgent. Loyalty and consideration seem so rare. And you know what? It’s fine. I can adapt. My views and the values I’ve held are outmoded and irrelevant. I will start acting more like these people do, and not feel so chained down by guilt and obligation. I’ve always been so hyper-aware of how my actions and feelings affect the environment around me. Why hold back? Most people don’t. At the end of the day, people are going do to whatever the fuck they want to do. It really is that simple. I think I would be a lot happier if I followed suit. I’m the one that is delusional and out of touch.

I’m no saint. I have selfish desires of course, and it’s not like I’ve been a super friend to everyone. I seem to put the most effort toward those that don’t appreciate it. I realize I value and define friendship differently than many. True friendship means doing things for each other regardless of convenience. Being reliable and honest. Many people I thought were friends are not. The more I gave, the more they took without giving back. Outside of whatever they valued in the friendship, they clearly didn’t give a shit. Courtney only tried until she became single, lost weight and became more desirable, and made different friends. My old pal Tim who I knew from Medford and who moved up here before me would only text me about Magic prereleases and wouldn’t reply to anything else. That’s all he cared about. I could go on and on. These people aren’t real friends, and don’t value me as such, though I did value them on that level. The more that time goes by and I look back, the more I realize it. How much I valued the wrong people, how me putting in nearly all of the effort in communication and planning should have been an obvious sign of how lopsided things were.

I do have some legit friends. Most of them are not in Portland. Fred and Becca and Lauren and Tomi are the only real people I can trust here. They keep their word, they are fun, kind, and considerate, and our friendships are not centered on any one thing. They are self-sufficient, and need nothing that I can offer them, they merely enjoy my company. They’re not users like so many people in this city. Actually, I am staying with Lauren and Tomi for a couple months while I save up for a place. Sure, I am paying them and renting a room, but it’s still an inconvenience for them surely. They are simply legit homies. I have them, my Medford friends, some others, and I’ve even known some of you for quite a while now. Everyone else…screw ‘em. If they are cool, they have to prove it, and earn my trust. No more giving it out readily and getting burned for it.

More and more I see glimpses in my mind of the person I need to be. I still don’t know how to get there, but I am getting closer. Once my health is better, I think I will be able to keep this motivation. It’s fueled by bitterness and spite, sure, but that’s how I’ve always been. Wanting to better myself to rub it in the faces of those who have treated me poorly or didn’t believe in me, that desire has existed in me for years. I think that’s why I want to be a wrestler so badly. I want to be a bad guy, to be an antagonist. There’s no other profession where that could be a healthy outlet.

…It’s midnight. I’ve been sitting here for n hour getting no rides. The first year I haven’t been surrounded by friends in Medford since I left Michigan. Things are different now, though.

It’s 2018 now. Time to make another book on here it seems. I hope you all find whatever you are desiring this upcoming year. Don’t let anyone stand in your way.