through the tunnel in 2017

9:42pm

I want to write a few things out but I’m not sure I have enough to put an entry together. I guess not all of my entries have to be novel length huh? haha. I’ve been thinking about things over the last few days but I always forget to write them down while they’re on my mind. We’ll see how it goes.

This morning I skipped my miracle drug and by the early afternoon my hip was starting to bother me again. This pill really has helped but in the past I’ve only had to take one or two and that was it. Clearly it’s not going to work out that way this time. It’s only been three days, I guess I got overconfident, so I’ll give it some more time. I took another one with dinner and I’ll continue taking them at night for a few more days. I’d really like to not spend the rest of my life on medication to feel normal but I should definitely give it more time. I can’t always expect miracles!

I have a doctor’s checkup scheduled for January and I contemplated moving it up if things don’t get better. I think I’m going to have to suck up my feelings regarding medication and talk to her about going on steroids for a while. She seemed willing to monitor it for me instead of sending me to a specialist, which would be perfect for me. She’s a good doc and all, although I don’t always like her style or advice, but at least she’s willing to work with you to do what’s best. She feels the same way that I do about the really strong medication [and apparently had another patient get cancer from it, which was one of my biggest concerns] so it could be good to have her monitor things for a while and see how it goes. It’s been about 10 years since the last round of steroids and they seriously got me from crippled over a cane to walking straight within days. It’s the only thing that’s ever worked in that way. And taking another round of it and having it last another 10 years would be beyond amazing for me.

Anyway, yeah, I got sidetracked there. I just want to be able to walk without pain. You have no idea what it feels like to be able to turn over in bed without having to grab my pants leg and lift my hip up like a sling. That’s seriously the only way I was able to move a few days ago. So I’m grateful that I’ve been able to progress even this far. They really are miracle drugs.

I went in to work today to work on some more classes. I was able to finish one and get part way through another. I was also doing a lot of catching up on entries. I like to multi-task, ok! ;)

Tomorrow we have an appointment with a client that may or may not show up. He’s in the military and apparently not supposed to leave the base right now so who knows if he’ll be able to sneak out. We went in today to get that done too so it’ll be ready if he shows up and won’t take long.

I haven’t seen JR in a while. I need to call him tomorrow to bug him about some stuff too. He’s been so busy lately and our schedules never match. He said something on Friday about sending his “MIL” in and I laughed and tried my best to convey that was a bad idea without actually saying anything. I’m sorry but she made a terrible first impression. I like to think I’m a good judge of character and I do not want to be around her. There’s a lot more to this but I’d rather just deal with JR whenever he has time. I’m willing to wait. I am bummed I haven’t been able to spend time with the baby though. He is super cute and I’d like to be around [to save him when his parents screw up lol!]. I know once his busy season ends I’m going to go straight into mine so we’ll see. Maybe he’ll take the time to bring him to the office and we can hang.

I can’t believe another season is getting ready to start. I’m interested to see how it’s going to go this year. I’m interested to see who’s going to come back.

I’m curious to know what it’ll be like to run into TF again. He has to come back. I mean, I hope he doesn’t let our whole thing get in the way of our work. We always said we were adult enough to handle it but I don’t know. He’s certainly been avoiding for a while.

You know, exactly a year ago I was texting him about how I thought we were too different and looking for vastly different things. It’s crazy to have been going through that and yet a year later I’m still hung up on it. I guess technically we didn’t “end” until March but damn. I knew the whole time. I always knew. I just never wanted to accept it. He felt so right, in so many ways, that I didn’t want to let go. I wanted to give it every ounce of my being to try to make it work. I saw the good in him.

Even to this day I cannot accept that it was all about getting into my pants for him. I was there, I saw it, I felt the distance, but I can’t freaken accept that that was it. I’ve always seen past his stupid facade and that’s exactly why I couldn’t let go. It’s why I held on so damn strong because I thought he would realize we were more than that. We could have been more than that.

It’s good to look back on those moments. Like that day I tried to pull away because I knew it wouldn’t work [and we went on to relive that same cycle over and over again for the next four months because we’re insane]. I knew it at the time. That it wouldn’t work. Even if I continued to try to turn it into something. I just wanted it so bad. But I knew. It’s why I held back. It’s why I kept pushing him away. It’s why I never shouted my feelings from the rooftop even though I desperately wanted to. He never really wanted me, and I get that, but I saw what I saw in his eyes and that’s been the hardest part to let go of.

Like I said though, it gets better every day. It makes more sense now than it did six months ago and I know I’ll be fine. I’m still curious to know what it’ll be like to have him stand in front of me again. So close yet so far…

I shouldn’t even be talking about all this. I said I was over it, didn’t I? hah. It’s just I looked back on those entries from a year ago and it all came bubbling up again. I know this will continue to happen over the next few months but some day it will all make perfect sense.

I know I’m hurt, and I’m scarred, but I still have hope. I still have faith that there’s someone out there for me. Someone who will treat me the exact way I need to be treated.
Either that or I’m going to make an incredible spinster aunt. =P

I was thinking about the sheriff earlier and it occurred to me that he was “too good to be true.” I’d never considered that before. That he was too perfect. Well, the idea of him was. That in theory he ticked every box, and made sense in terms of realistic life living, and he would fit in perfectly in my world, and it was too damn good to be true.

I almost hate saying that though because it makes me feel like I’m losing hope. Like I don’t believe that this perfect man exists for me and that’s not true. I want to continue to believe that some day some guy is going to be good and true. But maybe I’ve spent too much time watching fairy tales. I don’t know. It’s kinda like my life. A walking contradiction. I’m too much of a realist maybe?

I’m still debating whether it would be better or worse to see him again this year. I get that there were so many other things going on in our lives. I wasn’t in the best place. He maybe was trying to recover from what ever he had going on. I honestly don’t know how he felt, or feels, or what’s up in his world but I can imagine a lot of different scenarios that would make complete sense.

The one thing that will never make sense is why people say things they do not mean. Why say something you don’t ever plan on following through on?
I think that’s the thing that hurt me the most this year. Because I lead a pretty quiet tame life and for some reason the world thought it would be ok to bring three different guys into my life this year to agree to do things they would never follow through on. I’m not sure I’ve really processed all of that, and I honestly don’t know how to, so maybe that’s the final piece to the puzzle. To find a way to deal with the lack of follow through and the disappointment in false “promises.”

I don’t know. I want to forget the Sheriff and move on but the idea of him keeps fitting into all these nice little spots in my life and it’s hard.

Man, I never thought I would find myself here. A shy quiet introverted invisible girl who’s suddenly spending way too many months on people that don’t matter. I guess it’s easy to get caught up in all the shiny lights. There are some days when I start to wish that I could go back to before any of them paid any attention to me, but I know that I am a better person now than I was then. Despite the pain, and hurt, and constant rambling on about the same ol’ topics, I am a much better person for it.

I think I just need to get through the holidays and the next few months and then I’ll find a way to get back to normal. There’s just a lot going on right now. A lot of memories. Once I get through this I can find a way to come out better on the other end of it. I know that. You just keep on going right? =)

rose.
10:41pm