you walk away when you've had enough in 2017

9:18pm

Well, I’m back home. Arrived yesterday evening, some time before 8pm. An old coworker came back on the same flight so we gave her a ride home. Stopped and had lunch/dinner at the cheesecake factory and of course I brought a giant slice of cheesecake home and will continue to work on it little by little. It’s expensive at almost nine bucks a slice but here in this house it lasts at least three days so that’s not a bad deal. I paid about that much for a couple scoops of ice cream at this fancy place Y took me to and that was gone within like 20 minutes. =P

The trip wasn’t bad. The flight was quick so I wasn’t too worried when my reminder didn’t go off and we forgot to check in. My mom remembered about an hour and a half later and it wasn’t the best position but a middle seat with strangers wouldn’t be the worst thing if it’s only like an hour flight. We did get lucky though and found three empty seats at the very back and all got to sit together. So it was good not to worry.

As tends to always be the case, huh? I wish I could follow that advice more often. :)

Of course most of the trip was tainted because not long after we arrived my hip started killing me. I know I block these things from my mind a lot but I seriously don’t remember it hurting this way in over two years, maybe more. Every time it starts to bother me I’ve been able to run the tennis ball across my hip and it goes away completely within a couple hours. This time nothing worked though. I tried every exercise I know. I tried the tennis ball. I tried all the stretches. Nothing seemed to help for more than like a half hour.

It crushes my soul too because I hate having to depend on other people. I hate holding people back. I hate people looking at me like I’m disabled when I can’t get up out of my chair or I’m limping across the hall and of course these conventions involve more walking than I do all year. It makes me more angry than sad to go through this stuff because of all of that.

Luckily I’ve dealt with this enough that I find ways to manage. I probably should have taken some advil a lot sooner but I didn’t have one until the plane ride back yesterday. I just didn’t think it would do much for me and I’d forgotten the pills my aunt had just given me in Mexico. These pills are like miracle drugs. They’re the only things that have worked for me outside of the steroids and I usually only have to take one or two and I’m good again for years. I normally carry a pack with me whenever I travel but I’d taken the old ones out and forgot to replace them with new ones. I was overconfident since I’d been doing so well for so long [except the recent elbow issues].

Like I said though, I managed just fine and I walked my 10,000+ steps every day and only opted out of the nighttime extra-curriculars, which I would have done anyways because I’m an introvert and no good when I’m not getting enough sleep. I did the best I could and I like to think it didn’t hold me back at all. That’s the thing about this mysterious ailment, I’ve always been able to find ways around it and I can still go on with life even if it takes me a little longer sometimes. I consider myself lucky regardless.

Earlier today I finally got one of those pills in. I’ve basically spent the entire day on this couch just trying not to put any extra pressure on things. It’s best to relax and take care of myself. I don’t want it to get too out of hand. I do have to go into work tomorrow. A few hours later I took my regular meds and I don’t know if it was the combo, or just the initial pill, but by the afternoon I was feeling nauseous, lightheaded and kinda faint. I didn’t pass out or anything but I could tell I was off. Almost like I was high but sick to my stomach at the same time. Plus my hip was still killing me so I was annoyed and afraid it wasn’t going to work this time around. I haven’t taken the pills in years and I figured the magic had disappeared.

Then I had dinner, and a beer even though that’s probably against the rules, and I sat back on the couch. About an hour later I was feeling totally fine and just a little while ago I was able to get up and walk around and sit down without having to drop into the chair. My hip muscles weren’t twinging in pain and I’m taking this as a good sign. Fingers crossed it continues. I’ll only take a couple more pills because I don’t exactly know the interactions with my other meds and I want to stay safe. We’ll see how it goes.

It really does suck to be in pain though. It’s not even about the pain. I like to think I have an incredibly high tolerance, but it’s the annoyance at not being able to take care of myself. I was thinking about this earlier when I tried to put my socks on and I couldn’t bend over far enough to get my right sock on. It was a huge struggle. My hip doesn’t let my upper body bend, my knee doesn’t let my ankle come higher, and when I do manage to fold over far enough my ribs feel like they start to overlap and get stuck. It’s seriously the most annoying thing.

I thought about this though and snickered. Here I am looking for some man to spend the rest of my life with and what? He’s supposed to help me put my socks on for me? ha! I’m not even 30!!! I am so not going to make some guy take care of me. I’m way too damn independent for that. [and way too proud, unfortunately.] I just don’t ever want to place that burden on someone else. =|

In semi-related news: this trip helped solidify the fact that I’m over all this guy stuff. Like I’m just done. I don’t want to deal with it anymore. I don’t want to meet anyone new because I’m too damn traumatized by what happened over the last year. I don’t want to factor anyone else in. I wouldn’t know what to do with them. And I don’t know what to do if these other two ever come back. Not that I think that’s an actual possibility.

I was talking to my brother the other day and we’ve had this ongoing discussion about dating. We both think we’re probably too fcked up to date anyway but it’s something we talk about. He started teasing me about the sheriff [whom he calls the “old guy”] because of something that came up the other day and he figured I liked him. So now it’s this whole joke. Anyway, he said something that I’d already considered but it’s always different coming from someone else: maybe he was just being nice and I took it as a sign of interest. Maybe his coming back was simply because I’d made things easy and convenient.
And maybe that’s true? I know I read way too much into things. I mean these signs seemed really legit, but maybe it really is just me seeing only what I want to see. Perhaps he’s just this really friendly guy that says things because he’s nice [or doesn’t want to hurt my feelings] and it has nothing to do with ever actually wanting to take this outside of the work place. That’s all possible. The more time that passes the more possible it seems.

Just another situation I read too far into and got too involved in. I’m always my own worst enemy…

So I’m going to go ahead and stick with the “too f*cked up” to date thing and let it go. I quit. At least for now. I don’t want to get involved with anyone new and all the old prospects left too many scars. I’m over it.

I wish I could find a way to be happy with my own life again. I was there once and I really want to go back. I want to enjoy what I have, because it is a damn good life, and I want to enjoy all that I have coming up. I’m still young. God willing, I have a lot of life left ahead of me and I don’t want to be held back by my own torturous mind. If I’m not going to let some physical ailment hold me back I’m certainly not going to let an emotional one get in the way.

At least that’s my hope. I hope I’m strong enough to get through this and can start to live my life again…without the pain.

rose.
10:00pm