what you can't have in 2017

8:34pm

I totally missed the start of NoJoMo. I didn’t even think about it this year, like it didn’t even click. Did I do it last year? I wish we had calendar view! =\

Nope. I think I was too wrapped up in the TF drama. Although that also meant that I was writing a lot anyway while I tried to process everything that was going on. I’m probably going to skip the rest of the month too. I’ll be gone for our annual work convention for about a week and then there are just a lot of random things going on. It’s probably why I stopped doing NJM in the first place since November tends to be busy. It’s the month when work starts to kick into gear again with all the setup, ordering, classes, updates, etc.

I think the work convention will be interesting this year. There are a lot of changes going on. It’s always nice to catch up with people from around the country that we only see once a year. I’m not really feeling the whole thing but I’m just tired from having so much going on. For about a split second I thought maybe I’m not an introvert anymore and I don’t need the alone time but I think I just don’t always recognize it. I’m definitely feeling on the low battery side of things right now so I’m not looking forward to days of socializing, tons of people, and classes.

I’m sure it’ll be fine. I managed to get everything done today despite a late start. I really did not want to get out of bed. But I did all the laundry and got my bag packed. I’ll run through it again in the morning and I should be good. I’m just going to wing-it because I’m too tired to care anymore.

The client guy and I have been talking quite a bit. Still. I’m not sure when the last time was that we went a whole day without at least a back and forth exchange. It’s nice. Part of me feels bad though. I so do not want to lead him on and if my track record has any say it says that the more someone gets to know me the more they like me. I’m very charming ;) Since he already liked me, or wanted to go out, I feel like he might get too attached. Will he be able to separate it all if we get closer? Like hanging out and stuff. Because he’s asked me out a couple times. Last week was to a comedy show that I turned down because I was going to be busy. Also I feel weird hanging out with him because of all of this stuff. I don’t want to hurt the guy! He’s nice and we get along fine.

Maybe I should just let myself fall for him huh? He’s a good guy, pretty good job, loves what he does, loves the outdoors but also likes to hang at home, good conversationalist, keeps in touch, puts effort into trying to spend time with me and/or talk. That should be enough right? It’s all the stuff that’s lacking from others I’ve met. Stuff that I complain about.

Too bad it still doesn’t feel right huh? =( Such a bummer....
I guess you always want what you can’t have and vice versa.

This work thing coming up should be a good distraction for me. A much needed distraction.

I have noticed recently that when I think back on TF it doesn’t feel like it used to. I still think about him a lot, obviously, but there’s something different about it. I’m ever so slightly worried about what seeing him again will be like just because I’m afraid it’ll reignite that spark inside of me. We’ll see though. By that time I might not care about any of it at all.

This holiday season is a little rough. I know I’ve mentioned that every day has a memory attached to it so I can’t help but roll over it in my mind. He’s still the only one that meant that to me. He’s the only one that’s been able to get that close to me. He’s the only one I’ve let get that close to me. So I don’t imagine I’ll ever completely stop caring, but it’ll get easier. It continues to get easier every single day.

The Sheriff’s really the only one so far that’s made me forget him. Which I guess is why it sucks so much that it hasn’t gone anywhere. I’ve been giving it a lot of thought and after I wrote that entry the other day I started thinking about how it’s only been a year and a half. That’s really not all that long in the grande scheme of things. And I seriously tried to push this…as I always do. Damn you impatience!

He’s been through a lot though, and so have I. I know this. I don’t know why I wanted to push it so hard. I seriously need to relax and let this play itself out. Rushing things has certainly never done me any good. And if I really think about it, and ignore my impatience and gut feelings, then it makes total sense to just slow down. I get so blinded by all of the feelings and emotions running through me that I lose touch with reality.

Like I seriously do not see myself settling down any time soon. The thought of it is amazing, but not when you take off the rose colored glasses [which I always tend to wear]. So why am I trying so hard to find the “love of my life” or my future husband right now? I wouldn’t be able to do anything with that. The reality is that I am not ready. So why am I trying to force things? It doesn’t make sense.

I deleted my gmail account from my phone. I don’t need to keep tabs on it. He’s not going to write me back after this many weeks and I don’t need to have it there like a constant reminder. Why torture myself? I’m going to really try my best to just let this one go for now. It is what it is. If he comes back next April then we’ll go from there but for now I’m just over it. I want to be over it.

Too bad there are like a million little things I want to tell him all the time. Like about how one of the restaurants he recommended was offering a free meal to first responders and I wanted to joke about taking him to a cheap dinner. Or how I found out Franklin’s caught on fire. Or that I’m planning to go to another restaurant before the convention that we talked about. He’d told me about their country fried steak that covers the entire plate and we bonded over a shared favorite meal.
sidenote: is it weird all of these things are about food? lol
So that part isn’t my favorite. I want to reach out to him. I have things I want to say. And I can’t. That makes me sad.

Oh well though. I keep saying it, but it is what it is, right? I cannot worry about the things that I cannot change.

Now I have to go to bed because I have to wake up very early in the morning. I’m hoping for some relief from my overactive mind and to just get back to my normal life. I’m tired of feeling this way. I want to move forward. I say this far too often and I follow through on it far too little.

rose.
10:36pm