in a pretty perfect world in 2017

3:04pm

I am stuck in the office alone today. =|

It’s been super cloudy/dark outside and the weather’s California cold [ie: 50s] and all I want to do is go cuddle up on the couch and watch TV under a blanket. I had a really hard time getting up this morning even though it was like 8:30am just because it was so dark outside. I kept thinking I’d punched in 6:30 on my alarm or something. I specifically have really thin curtains so that I can have an easier time getting up with the sunlight but that was not working today. Too dark - must sleep!

I did eventually roll out of bed to take a shower and eat breakfast because I had to be in the office by 9:30 to wait for the UPS guy. I think I ate my entire breakfast in the span of one song that was playing on my phone [so about 4 minutes] and it makes sense that people tell me to slow down when eating. hah. I almost skipped breakfast but I wasn’t sure if I’d be able to go back home in-between the package delivery and my work time [noon] so I knew I had to eat something. [A couple of eggs and a piece of toast] Having mom gone might turn into a good weight loss strategy. haha. I’m not making any promises but I’m going to try to make tortillas tomorrow and maybe cook up some other kind of food. She’d definitely be surprised, and I really need to learn, but I’m afraid they’re going to be inedible and it makes me sad. This tortilla making skill clearly skipped my generation. ha. Or I need a lot more practice! She doesn’t have a recipe but I managed to measure things out back in July and write it down. It’ll get me close enough. That was back after I’d had that long conversation with the Sheriff about food and he said if I gave him the recipe he’d make them for me. swoon
But we all know how that turned out…so I guess I’ll have to make them myself. -_-

I’ve been very slowly sipping my coffee throughout the day because being here alone means I have to go out and lock the door if I have to pee and it’s a huge hassle. Plus I never know when clients are going to call or stop by and I always get the feeling that they’ll come the instant I get to the back. So sipping very cold coffee it is. I’ve only got like 3 more hours here but I’m waiting on two different clients and expecting I’ll get a phone call from a third since I left him a message when I got in.

Ok…one down…two to go. :)

Since the UPS guy ended up getting here by 10 o’clock I closed up around 10:30 to take some stuff to the post office. Then I went home and sat on the couch for like 45 minutes and came back to the office a little before noon. I’ve been sitting here ever since. I did actually get some work done. A paperwork heavy project for a client that’s taken several phone calls/emails/print outs. I was mostly organized since I’d done some stuff from home yesterday and had it all in an email to myself and then later in a file here with the remaining paperwork. She called me a little while ago and asked me just to print it and her husband would pick every thing up. Better for me because I really did not want to fill out the forms she was supposed to take care of. Originally she was going to come in today so that would have been way easier but she stayed home. Now she gets to take care of it herself and I’ve done my part. I also cleaned the back table and organized a little. I’m slightly ashamed to admit I had newspapers sitting back there from this time last year. ha. Whoops. Clearly I don’t have enough time to read the paper! [Or I procrastinate and it piles up…either way] I made all my other phone calls and wrote checks, and my to-do list is basically accomplished. I’ll have to go back to the post office tomorrow to take in this last form since I get off work after they’re closed. I guess it’ll get me out of the house and keep me from sitting in my pjs all day.

I don’t think I’ve done too bad at the taking care of myself thing. It’s not like I didn’t survive on my own while I was away at college but it’s been a little while since I’ve been completely alone. I know I really need to work on my cooking skills but does anyone really like cooking for one? So I’m eating a lot of leftovers and basically the same meal at every sitting. Oh well. It keeps me alive and that’s what matters. Yesterday I went outside to mow the lawn, take out trash, and clean stuff up. It was nice to get out there and get some exercise. Then I grabbed a beer from the fridge [part of the supplies I bought on the way home from the airport] and took it to the backyard to sit on the swing and listen to music. It was kinda glorious. =) I haven’t gotten too lonely or anything being there in that house on my own. It was something I thought might happen but it just sorta solidifies the fact that I do actually enjoy being on my own and handle it really well. I’m ok with silence and I find plenty of ways to stay occupied. I’m lucky in that way it seems.

This does have me thinking more and more on getting out of the house and getting my own place. The real reason I don’t do it is because of mom. I don’t want to leave her there all alone. I know we’d both be fine, especially since I’d most likely stay in the area, but I really like being able to spend as much time as humanly possible with her. You never know when one of us is going to leave this world. I think a lot of it is probably society too. Like I want to be able to prove I can take care of myself and for some reason that means living on my own and having my own place. I know that if I wasn’t working here I could find a really good job, make quite a bit of money, buy my own place, and live comfortably on my own. I don’t know. Maybe she’ll just up and decide to retire one day and I won’t feel so damn guilty for wanting to leave.

Some times, when I’m not quick enough to stop myself, I start to fantasize about a different life. Lately that day dreaming has centered around guys [ok. when has it not? lol]. It’s just easy to meet someone and then play out every scenario in your mind like what if this worked out some day! This becomes a really annoying habit of mine when I’m trying to move on from someone. For example: just yesterday sitting out on that swing I kept wanting to think about the Sheriff. After a while I quit telling my mind to shut up and I let it wander for a minute. It’s not like it hasn’t wandered on the subject before. Basically from the moment I saw him sitting out in front of the coffee shop it’s been wandering [I also cannot believe how clearly I can still picture that day even though it was a year and a half ago! (and I just wrote 2.5 years and I have no idea why I thought it had been that long since it was April of ‘16 lol)]

Anyway, I thought about what it would be like to live out there with him. Would I realistically move 200 miles away and be able to be happy? I love my house. I love this town. I always miss all of this when I’m away, but I don’t know. It wouldn’t be a bad place to be. The more I learn about it the more I realize it’s this perfect mix of city/fancy life and wild countryside. And I picture letting him impress me with his knowledge of fancy things and then running off to some secluded part of the lake to watch the stars. These are the things I think about. Every idea that pops into my mind seems like a good one. Being out there, and travelling, and enjoying the back and forth. The fact that he has a really busy/not normal work life and I don’t need a lot of attention. How I’d actually love having the alone time but still being with someone. The way I could explore out there and learn so many new classy things. The fact that he’s in this place that sells itself on being super fancy/rich and he still considers himself a redneck. He could impress me with his celebrity chef friends and teach me which fork to use and then we could go fishing/hunting in the woods. Could there be a more perfect combo? I mean come on. This is like every fantasy come true. hah.

But then I stop myself again and remember that this is all a fantasy. A reality that does not exist outside of my head. Although it’s fun to consider every possibility I cannot let myself get wrapped up in it. So I tell myself to shut up and I move on with life.

I wish I could let this one go. To just give it up to the world and be like, “here! Take it. Play it out in whichever way you see fit!” but I haven’t been able to do that. I don’t have the patience for it.

I know that if he comes back this year I’m going to want to flirt and give him a hard time about every thing. I also know that I can’t do that again. I have to be strong enough to distance myself. I’m sure in my mind I’ll want him to chase me. To wonder why I’m quiet, or being too nice, or whatever. I’ll want him to question what’s changed. But given the way things have gone so far, I don’t think he will. I think he’ll walk out the door and maybe come back a year later but maybe not. And I’ll be heartbroken over it for sure. It’ll be easier to accept that reality though then to get all wrapped up in his words again and continue to believe there’s something between us. I’ll get over the reality check a lot quicker than spending all these months wondering why I’m not good enough and how I could have possibly misread him in such a terrible way. It’ll be on my terms.

That wasn’t where I was originally going with this but it was clearly taking up space inside of my head. I don’t know. The fantasy is so fun to daydream about and yet the reality freaken crushes my soul.

Is it time to go home yet?!

The sun’s finally out but now I’m tired and hungry and I’m trying to will the clock to move faster so I can get out of here.

rose.
4:19pm

In funny gossip: I finally left work just after six and as I pulled up I noticed this big white work truck in my neighbor’s driveway. I know her boyfriend is at work because his truck has been gone since this morning. I started laughing to myself thinking about how I was going to spin this story to mom next time we talk. After I pulled into the garage I went to grab the garbage can and the guy had come out to his truck. I was watching him and he was quite good looking from what I could see across the fence. He must have heard me walking by because he started whistling. Not at me! Like whistling to himself as he searched his truck for something, but knowing I was there. As I walked back up the drive he spun himself all the way around, made eye contact, and said, “hello. how’s it going?” I smiled and said hi and mumbled “fine and you” but it was really quiet because I hesitated so he didn’t hear me. I walked back to get the mail and I guess I could have looked up again but I pretended to flip through the mail instead. I’m still shy and he was cute! lol. I heard my neighbor walk out and say something to him just as I disappeared out of sight. I’m sure it was all innocent, but that’s not how I’m going to spin it to mom. haha! I’m bored. I need to create my own entertainment. =]
[and maybe I should figure out who he is, if he’s married, any kids, single, straight, nice, can follow through, etc, etc…hah] It seems there are a lot of cowboys out here I haven’t met. Like all those cute AG guys in their tight wranglers and work boots. rawr. Clearly I can’t give up my search just yet ;)

Last updated October 30, 2017