Mixed your memory with Tennessee in 2017

8:18pm

I’ve been contemplating this entry for a while now and I think because of this contemplation I am actually seriously procrastinating on getting anything written. It’s always when I have something going on, or something in particular I want to write, that I avoid this place the most. I’m good at rambling on about whatever stream of consciousness stuff comes out but I’m no good at sitting down and typing something up that I’ve been thinking about for a while. Maybe if I just start clicking away then I’ll get it all out before I even realize it.

Let’s see…

I find myself all alone in the house tonight. My mother had to make a last minute trip out to Tx/Mex and so here I am. It was too expensive for us both to go and I have actual work that needs to be done. It made much more sense for me to stay both money-wise and life-wise. Too many things going on and this way we don’t have to worry about leaving the house and our various obligations. I’m not sure I’ve actually ever spent this many days alone in this house. I don’t know why, but I guess I’m usually the one to leave town and travel. We’ll see how it goes. We woke up super early and drove her out to the airport and then I had to drive myself home. I guess I’ll have to be an adult for a while. Keep myself alive and all that. It’s probably about time. Maybe. I’ll update you after I’ve been alone for more than 24 hours. hah.

Today also marks the “one year anniversary” of my one and only date with TF. That’s obviously the real reason I’m here to write tonight. Time for reflection and thoughts. An update on where I’m at these days. How different things are now only one little year later.

[It’s also apparently the one year anniversary of Live PD. Nice to share something with them! haha]

About an hour ago I got up from the couch on my way to grab something for dinner [and to continue procrastinating on typing :] and I looked down to realize I am wearing the socks he bought me that night. My “Zero fox Given” socks. I mean, I’ve had the socks on all day but didn’t make the connection to the day until just then. I put them on because they were on the floor and I figured they’d be comfortable for driving. I’m surprised the day didn’t click though because I knew what day it was. Too many other things running through my mind this morning I guess.

I do love these socks, but today’s reflections are making me realize that they serve as a reminder of how sweet he could be. Those moments were a lot more rare than I noticed at the time, but they were there. He was sweet. He is sweet. When he wants to be. He definitely did not have to buy me these socks. We were just killing time and poking around. He was getting socks for his kid and his twin nieces. None of that needed to involve a gift for me. I’m not even sure why he did it. Like the idea just popped into his head because we were commenting on them and then he just bought them.

Maybe the problem is that remembering all those moments is what keeps me holding on. The little things. Those tiny moments that let me see the real him. I always think about the way he joked one time that he was going to come into the office and stare into my eyes and see my soul. Except he didn’t realize that I would actually be the one to see into his. Not just that day, but so many days. I read in-between the lines. I stared into his eyes. A lot. And I accidentally saw into his heart.

Saying that now makes me think about all the possibilities of seeing him again. And for the first time I’m wondering what I would do if we both suddenly changed and in some magical world there was a 2nd chance for us.
Do I actually want that anymore? Did I ever really want any of it?

And yet, when I started a draft for this occasion on Monday I wrote things like: Why am I still stuck on this!?! It’s stupid and it hurts. and I don’t know how to stop these thoughts and I don’t imagine they’ll go away anytime soon. Because I had started thinking about all the things that had happened on that date and that moment at the end of dinner where he reached his hand across the table and I jokingly high-fived him. Thinking back on it now though he must have wanted to hold my hand. And if I would have reached out and connected we could have left there hand-in-hand. It’s also probably why he didn’t try to hold my hand as we strolled all over that downtown beach town, which is something I’d wondered about at the time. I hadn’t thought about any of that before. I’d never really made the connection. These thoughts stir up every emotion inside of me - good and bad.

So where am I at? I honestly have no idea right now. Because I was clearly hurting the other day and now I’m whatever. This is basically the same roller coaster I’ve been living for the last year, except TF’s no longer involved. It’s all me. My mind and I.

I did have a good time that day. It was the day that helped convince me that I wanted to pursue things with him because it was our first solo outing. That was something I’d been worried about since we’d only seen each other in the office up until that point. It still stands as the only day I have ever seen him outside of work. Which is crazy to me but it is what it is. It turned out so well, we’d gotten along and connected enough, that I knew it wasn’t just a fluke. It was something I definitely wanted.

For the first time in my entire life I was sitting across from a man that I wanted to give a chance to. That’s crazy to admit but he’s the first one I ever thought was worth a damn, which seems stupid now with hindsight and all.
Actually no, it doesn’t seem so stupid, because I was focused on the aforementioned sweet side of him. I was interested in the parts of him that were beyond the facade. It could be that the stupid part was thinking that I could some how be the one to bring out that side of him. That I could convince him to show me his whole heart, as if it were that easy.

[sidenote: they just called out his name on pd..ha. you’re funny world..]

I feel like there was more I wanted to say but I’m getting super tired thanks to my 4:30am wake up time and I’m finding it hard to concentrate. I’d been reading back on entries over the last couple of days and I wrote a pretty good wrap up around the end of September. All my feelings and all that.

He will always be that person for me. That first person. I don’t think I’ll ever feel any other way about it. I still wish that we could be friends some day. I don’t even know why. I just miss our interactions.

Also, I feel like I need that closure. I want to talk to him and know how he felt. But maybe that’s asking too much. That’s still me wanting to connect to his heart. I need to accept that I may not ever get that chance. I may never be able to connect to that side of him. And he may never speak of any of this with me again. I don’t really doubt that I’ll see him again but it probably won’t have anything to do with us personally.

I don’t even know what to think anymore. I don’t understand how someone can mean so much to me and then suddenly is supposed to mean nothing at all. It doesn’t make sense that I felt so connected to him and yet was so wrong. I’ve already mentioned that I’m still waiting for the lessons I was supposed to learn. And my mind is still riding that roller coaster of highs and lows.

Did I think I would be here a year later - in this state of mind and with all of this having happened around me - no. Definitely not. I think I probably thought I’d be living my life out with him. Maybe I wasn’t even thinking this far in advance because I was trying to live each day as it came. I was trying so hard to enjoy it even though I had my hesitations. I wish I could have enjoyed it more but I know why I didn’t.

I know why things worked out the way they did, but it still hurts my heart. The thought that I’d suddenly found what I’d been looking for and then I didn’t anymore? That’s the hardest part to wrap my mind around. That I thought I had what I’d always wanted but it was still all a fantasy. It was all part of some twisted scheme by the universe to teach me something that I am still trying to understand. It will all make sense some day. I know that.

I’m not sure that this entry went anywhere I thought it would but I did warn about the procrastination and the needing to just type to get it done. It never would have been done otherwise.

In the end: I miss the good. I don’t miss the bad. I sometimes wish it would have turned out differently but I know it happened for a reason that will make a lot more sense in the future. I’m not sure I could ever try to go back even though I miss him. It’s weird to be here now, a year out from the event, but I won’t ever deny that that was one of the best nights of my life. I felt so carefree and relaxed and I enjoyed it so much.

I will always look back on this day with a smile.

Even if it is through all the tears.

rose.
11:05pm

Last updated October 29, 2017